I went to a therapist today. I wanted to give it another chance, to see if there was anything they could do to help. He told me he couldn't help me, as the last person did. I don't really know what therapy is about or how it helps people, but apparently whatever it operates on I don't have. Just an update.

Tonight I'm in one of those moods where I want to get drunk but wouldn't even if I could because I'd probably end up doing something with a girl I'd regret. It's weird, people make it their life goal to pick up girls and often fail, but I don't even care and it seems there's always at least one girl who's into me when I'm somewhere drinking... Perhaps it is just odd luck. Or my devilish good looks. Hah.

But yeah, mood. Energetic in an odd sort of melancholic way, nights that can be some of the best I'll ever have, or equally bad. An impulsive mood, and combined with drink one that apparently leads to flirting with attractive strangers, to tie it back in to my mini-rant.

Fredericton can't come too soon. Goddamn it, I turned 19 a while ago, and did nothing because no one was in town. I want loud music, good company, and lots of liquor.

Welcome to the NHK

So. I'm going to talk about a manga. The one I named in the title. It's a comedy, I think, but it focuses on a lot of important things. Everyone in the manga is hugely flawed, or minimized by society. The main character is an easily impassioned college dropout who avoids all social contact and lives off of allowance from his parents. Just about everything he could do as a "worthless person" he does throughout the story, all while trying to improve himself. It's a story of everything being fucked up and complicated with each step seeming to only lead deeper into the shithole you know you only have yourself to blame for. It's an awesome story, as bizarre a concoction as it is. I don't really know why I'm talking about it, so I'll just leave it at that. If anyone is interested it's hosted online here: http://www.onemanga.com/NHK_ni_Yokoso/

A maze of things you will be bothered by.

I feel trapped. All of my connections with people seem to become chains. I desire freedom, I ache for it. I hate doing things I don't want to do for things I never cared about. I hate every time my Mom says "Why can't you just act normal?!". I hate how settled we get, how dependent on things and events we get. I want to smash it, to take my computer or something and destroy it just because there's a part of me that is dependent on it. I would, except that I would be about disowned if I did. I hate that I can't get my parents out of my life, and that I'm supposed to love them just because they gave me things and were around me a lot. I hate that I'm not even allowed to opt out of a life I've no real use for any longer. I hate that it's so hard to do anything you haven't done a billion times already in your life without breaking something important.

My body isn't my own, my stuff isn't my own, my life isn't my own, and my personality is apparently broken and should be pasted over. What do I have left? Is there anything left which has not been stolen by other's care for me? I want freedom, freedom to fly, rot, and fail. I want to there to be something I'm allowed to destroy, something that belongs only to me.


I love my friends, I love the world in general. But I wish I were allowed to love from a distance, as solitude is the only freedom I can see.