Bank heist

There's a scenario that I've been wondering about for quite some time, and as I was talking about it today I thought I should share it.

What would happen if a bank robber made it very clear that no one in the bank was in any danger, no matter what happened? That is, except for himself. The robber would put a gun to his own head and threaten to shoot if the bank didn't give him the money. Of course, they wouldn't believe him at first. So he shoots himself in the shoulder or something to prove he's serious. Now, do they guard insured company money, or do they value the life of the deranged man in front of them more? Do they just call the police and stall so they don't have to decide? I have no idea what would happen, but I kind of wish I could do it just as a social experiment.

Hello

I've been noticing my hypocrisy at wanting other people to post on their blogs more and not doing it myself. Still, I guess I just don't have much to say. No grand or messed up thoughts to share. Thinking used to be one of my favourite pastimes, but these days it's just a one way path to my clump of doubt and self-hatred. I don't know how to deal with that, so I've been letting it sit for now.

Eventwise, not much has happened. I'm working at Toys R Us, I'm going to try Parkour for the first time tomorrow, and I play games and feel sad because I don't see a lot of my friends outside of my roommates anymore. Also, I quit Christmas and my Mom is insistent on giving me stuff anyway. Possibly the weirdest argument ever.

I Stayed up far too long yesterday talking about a series of videos I plan to make with some friends, so I'm pretty dead right now. Also, my shoes are from hell. I'm getting new ones. Other stuff, mental time limit, talk to you later.

Hot Water Music - Trusty Chords

I just like the song.

Fuck it.

I'm not interested in changing the world. I would if it was easy maybe, or if I thought the journey would be worthwhile, but it's not my taste. I kind of regret never actually reading the material in philosophy, there was one guy I thought I would agree with. But I didn't read it, and there's no sense talking about it with no more real information that what would fit into an essay title. I just respect people's perspectives, and just because I believe what I believe that doesn't mean it's "right": although I'm hardly certain something like that exists. All I can do, all that I WANT to do, is to reflect a world greater than this in myself: to show that there's more to existence than the slice we hide ourselves in. Maybe setting a precedent will help somethin; but most likely it'll just fill my need to be spiteful. But hey, spite has always been the best part of me.

I've hid behind laziness and fear for too long. I will prove exactly what is "Just life", and what we simple stop ourselves from achieving. I have no need to violently change my lifestyle, but from now on I will never do something I don't agree with, never align myself with principles I hate. I never actually read Watchmen, but I think I'd like Rorschach from what I have heard. "No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise."

Geek-ness

I guess it makes sense that the times when I'm in the mood to post on this I'm in a melancholic mood, but I don't feel it gives a truly accurate picture of my personality. So I'm going to try and post more on good days to balance it out.

...Except I can't think of much to say.

Umm. Google Wave, I started using it to better organize writing effort on the book I'm planning to write with David. And It's awesome; it's hard to even categorize what it IS, as it's features are so unique. However, the necessity to learn how to use all this stuff turned most people off of it. When I first heard of it, it was because they were announcing that they were going to stop offering support for it. Kinda sad. But it's still THERE, if you want to check it out. It's primary use is in organization/information sharing with business in mind, but you can use it for a lot more than that- from online roleplaying to a new brand of forum. I predict in ten years or so it'll be back under a different name and everyone will love it.

I went to a therapist today. I wanted to give it another chance, to see if there was anything they could do to help. He told me he couldn't help me, as the last person did. I don't really know what therapy is about or how it helps people, but apparently whatever it operates on I don't have. Just an update.

Tonight I'm in one of those moods where I want to get drunk but wouldn't even if I could because I'd probably end up doing something with a girl I'd regret. It's weird, people make it their life goal to pick up girls and often fail, but I don't even care and it seems there's always at least one girl who's into me when I'm somewhere drinking... Perhaps it is just odd luck. Or my devilish good looks. Hah.

But yeah, mood. Energetic in an odd sort of melancholic way, nights that can be some of the best I'll ever have, or equally bad. An impulsive mood, and combined with drink one that apparently leads to flirting with attractive strangers, to tie it back in to my mini-rant.

Fredericton can't come too soon. Goddamn it, I turned 19 a while ago, and did nothing because no one was in town. I want loud music, good company, and lots of liquor.

Welcome to the NHK

So. I'm going to talk about a manga. The one I named in the title. It's a comedy, I think, but it focuses on a lot of important things. Everyone in the manga is hugely flawed, or minimized by society. The main character is an easily impassioned college dropout who avoids all social contact and lives off of allowance from his parents. Just about everything he could do as a "worthless person" he does throughout the story, all while trying to improve himself. It's a story of everything being fucked up and complicated with each step seeming to only lead deeper into the shithole you know you only have yourself to blame for. It's an awesome story, as bizarre a concoction as it is. I don't really know why I'm talking about it, so I'll just leave it at that. If anyone is interested it's hosted online here: http://www.onemanga.com/NHK_ni_Yokoso/

A maze of things you will be bothered by.

I feel trapped. All of my connections with people seem to become chains. I desire freedom, I ache for it. I hate doing things I don't want to do for things I never cared about. I hate every time my Mom says "Why can't you just act normal?!". I hate how settled we get, how dependent on things and events we get. I want to smash it, to take my computer or something and destroy it just because there's a part of me that is dependent on it. I would, except that I would be about disowned if I did. I hate that I can't get my parents out of my life, and that I'm supposed to love them just because they gave me things and were around me a lot. I hate that I'm not even allowed to opt out of a life I've no real use for any longer. I hate that it's so hard to do anything you haven't done a billion times already in your life without breaking something important.

My body isn't my own, my stuff isn't my own, my life isn't my own, and my personality is apparently broken and should be pasted over. What do I have left? Is there anything left which has not been stolen by other's care for me? I want freedom, freedom to fly, rot, and fail. I want to there to be something I'm allowed to destroy, something that belongs only to me.


I love my friends, I love the world in general. But I wish I were allowed to love from a distance, as solitude is the only freedom I can see.

An update on my life

I haven't been posting here because there was nothing I wanted to post forever. I don't know why that is.

This summer has been isolating, I never see my friends, I just sleep and do work for the most part. I don't know how I feel about it. I do know that I want to get away from my family.I don't hate them, but being around them is tiring, I don't like it. I'm going to start forcing myself to eat because I've only been having a few granola bars a day for the last couple weeks really. I'm about as tanned as I've ever been from the hours of yardwork my parents have had me do (still not very tanned though). Before I got my job at Walmart I had to apply at around 90 different places. I got a lot better at seeming friendly, doing interviews, and wearing that damn smile all the time. I even had to chop off most of my hair to make myself look more professional. It looks too neat, too un-me. I was relieved as anything when I was hired at Walmart because I could fulfil my obligation to pay my share of the rent, and pay my mom back the money for the deposit. It's actually an a pretty good workplace atmosphere, the people are good. But for the last week I've pretty much been working free because I needed to take a cab in and out of town. Which comes to 42 bucks a day. But I did get to talk to the cab drivers, two of which were in a large amount of debt and pretty desperate. Why is it that when I talk to someone one on one the conversation always so quickly turns to their problems? Sometimes talking about that stuff is good, but I don't seem to be very good at just hanging out and having fun except with my highschool friends. Last night I didn't call the cab for an hour or so after work. If I didn't need to worry about taking care of the dogs, I probably would have found a bench and stayed in Saint John. The night air was nice, and I talked to a parking lot sweeper guy for a while. I switched depression meds recently, and they seem to work better, it's easier to function and I have more energy. My mom keeps telling people that things have really improved and that I'm happy. I don't think I'll tell her that I never stopped wishing I was dead. If I haven't mentioned this before, that doesn't mean I'm going to commit suicide. I'm stuck living and will try to make the best of it. I just wish I wasn't stuck with it. Music is awesome. Other stuff I no longer have the brain capacity orwill to talk about.

Self revelation

I've been called pessimistic and cynical for a long time and I never understood that, I always saw myself as an optimist who believed in the value of individuals. I still do, but I guess I can see where they're coming from a bit more now. I realized as I used the "next blog" function on blogger and began to think about my impressions of different blogs and why I thought that about them. There was a clear distinction between what I liked and what annoyed me, without much middle ground at all.

Most blogs annoyed me because of all the bright colour and gaudy patterns and a sort of monotone happiness that seemed almost stretch or forced; not necessarily fake, but only showing the parts of the truth that were most acceptable to show. They talk about things which interest them but which very little personal information is passed in. Blogging is a very... intimate mode of communication. What's the point of making another cooking or knitting blog unless you put yourself into it? People don't look to blogs for recipes, they look to blogs because they're written by a person and carry their perspective and feelings.

I like blogs which are twisted, dark, depressing, ethereal, stark, different, manic, personal, deep, and DIVERSE. They're more real, more meaningful, more powerful. No one feels happy all of the time, and when they do it's not and shouldn't be FLAT, it should carry an energy and a vibrancy to it and have it's own sort of music. It is something that's disgraced when it's put on. And when you aren't happy, hiding it and talking about trivialities and overusing smileys to cover the gigantic hole where you are supposed to be... well, I don't like that. I like it when people share who they are unapologetically.

Those were my initial thoughts, but the meanings in them took a while to hit. I have no natural reason to think they way I do that I can think of. Why do their monotone happinesses (?)seem so unnatural to me? I hate other people's pain, I'd erase all of it if I could. Yet, I find that while everyone else turns away from pain, I turn toward it. I guess that's good, it's easier to fight something you're facing, but that's not the reason I think I see. A reason I've been living my life with little regard for my own happiness.

Seriously, Why the fuck do I find pain beautiful?

No topic off limits

I want to do a thing where you ask me questions and I answer them. It can be anything: personal or impersonal, ideas or bananas. The stranger the better. I will answer, I will be honest, as long as you ask. I had a discussion earlier about masturbation habits, Chances are I won't be put off or made to feel awkward by anything you ask.


Edit: excluding of course other people's secrets

Fun Fact: I accidentally first posted this on the wrong blog.

Sex, revisited

Since I first made the decision to become abstinent I have had doubts of whether the trade-off was truly worth it. I don't mean the pleasure of sex, I don't care so much about that. Well actually it's more about my virginity than sex in general. What I didn't like is that by giving up sex without trying it, I also gave up sound logic and any chance of understanding one of our species' driving forces. I don't know the first thing about sex, yet I rejected it. For a good reason, but nonetheless. It was made even more complicated by the necessity of separating lust from my logic. It basically came down to a value judgment between trust and empathy. Which is hard.

I was having another one of these doubt sessions earlier, and complained about it to Lisa. Her response was to tell me what sex meant to her, and it made me realize that I have been far too clinical with this whole thing; that sex is a method of expression of care first and foremost, not just a pleasurable mating process. I've decided to let my feelings decide my actions now: if having sex feels right and won't hurt anyone I will try it. If not, I won't. Considering my nature it probably means I won't ever still, but you never know.

Humanity

It was requested, so I might as well. What is it to be human? Well, it means you have DNA within a certain range, and I'd say it means you need to be a complete organism. A comatose person or a vegetable is still human, even though they've lost the mental qualities we normally associate with humanity.

However, we do have tendencies related to our species. Although that has little to do with the question, I feel this post is incomplete without looking at them, so I will. First, our general shape. Second, fight or flight, good sensation bad sensation type instincts shared by most animals. Third, Intellect strong enough to let us defy our instincts almost completely if desired. Fourth, intricate societal structure made possible through our advanced communication. Fifth, the instinct and intellect to use things.

Those are what I can think of.
 What did you expect?

Me.

I was writing this post all nonspecific and vague at first, but fuck that. Here's me.

I'll start at the beginning: pre-Jessi. I just didn't care. I said I would die for anyone, and thought it was bravery rather than a complete lack of self-value. My life sucked and I didn't know it. I fluctuated between super hyper and gloomy and judgmental at least five times a day. I wasn't depressed, but I didn't value ANYTHING, and my emotions were weak as anything. Socially awkward, a bizarre mix between seeking any kind of attention and doing all I could to save face at my many screwups. I planned suicide after highschool because that's when life would stop being easy. I failed at least one course away every semester in highschool except for the last one to lighten my load and because I just didn't care. I had no reason to. And yet, I was always smiling, people were always asking why and I didn't know, I didn't even notice. Well, I must admit there had been some change before Jessi as well as I started to value my friends more, but she was the main change.

I met Jessi, and at first I just thought she was a cool friend, but as time went on I started to like her more and more, and we became closer and closer. Eventually it changed, it could no longer be called liking her anymore, I loved her. And I changed. I started to become something much more similar to what I am now than what I was. My love for her was more emotion than I thought could even fit inside of me, and it just kept increasing. I started to care more about other things too, started to realize fully just how awesome my friends were. Decided to work, to get into university, because I wanted to be on her level and to stay close to her. I actually did work. I ditched the dramatic suicide plans. I started being able to understand people more, and trying to help. I stopped not doing things I should do because I thought it might be awkward. I had been empty my whole life and didn't notice until love filled me.

However, our close friendship ended, on no small part due to my addiction, always needing her, pushing her away with incriminations of not wanting to be friends anymore because you're busy studying and you're having family trouble. Eugh, I was stupid. It was always supposed to be about her, but I made it about me somehow. Focused on the feeling too much instead of what it meant. But anyway, I was left with barely ever seeing her. Wallowing in my regrets as I realized how dumb I was. When I came to STU it was on and off. In the day, complete adrenaline rush awesomeness coolest place ever. At night it was walks in the cool air, hating myself. Watching as those night hours grew, until it was the only thing I did. And then they stopped, and I lied in bed, day after fucking day. Wanting desperately to fix everything, knowing it would probably never happen, knowing I would probably never even get the chance to show that I had changed. It just kept getting worse and worse, and even then my love for her grew. It did until the end. Always, always staring at my cellphone hoping for a text I knew wasn't going to come, staying near the computer in case she was on msn and maybe wanted to talk. Listening to The Rasmus on repeat for ever because it made me think of her. Writing essay after essay on everything to her, and not sending them, but sometimes sending something off by impulse and usually regretting it. Losing focus in confusion and regret eventually and just being depressed all the time with no need for Jessi to be involved. Generally, pain and depression. I learned the opposite end of feeling, and I don't actually think I regret that. At least I can understand now.

And now it's been about a year since we stopped hanging out, and I've let go. We actually did start to hang out a bit more for a while there, and I actually accidentally let the plans sort of slip through the cracks because my mind was preoccupied with other things. Which is kind of amazing. She's still awesome though, and I need to fix that. A quick look and I might seem fine, recovered. Of course that isn't fucking true though. While I have changed, and my friends mean more to me and I'm not quite so lazy and all of that, the fact remains that I was empty before she came, and now she is gone. She was literally the meaning for my life, the reason I decided to live. I didn't replace her in my mind, where she was is empty again. Tell me, what do I live for? Why should I go to class? Why should I DO anything? There really are only two things I want that I have been able to discover; ease, and the happiness of friends. It's really only the latter that stops me from just forsaking all work. I need a goal, I need something I can ignore hardship for the sake of. I can't get by on inertia.


The most hard to read post ever, probably is brought to you by your friendly neighbourhood person who doesn't know what he is well enough to end this cleverly.

Why?

A while ago a friend told me about an essay question a professor put on a test once. It simply said "Why?". There were a wide variety of answers, and the one that received the highest mark was the simplest and bravest answer: Why not? However, I wish to answer this question in my own way.

Why? Why would someone do something? Why would something happen? Those are the two whys I can find that more or less encompass the entirety of the question. Why would someone do something? The negatives of these are also important; it's because you want or value something, and want to attain or protect it. Motivation, in other words. Why would something happen? A collection of events, rules, chance, and decisions (informed or uninformed). Things happen because of the factors involved, no one (not even god, if you believe in one) is planning all of it.

So, why? Because there is a goal, because or there is no goal. Everything else is just the specifics.

Dreams

I had a dream last I slept. It started like an actual story, there was a narrator who explained things as the camera panned through the town it took place in. It was a very well developed town, the architecture and scenery and such all made sense together, but everything wasn't all the same. A lot of stone, a lot of wide angles. There was even evidence of different architectural traditions coming together. Especially looking at the differences in the churches, it hints at different cultures colliding in the place at one point. It was a pretty beautiful place. It was set in Newfoundland, but I've never been there so I'm not sure if everything in the scenery was realistic. The town was on the ocean, but it was hidden from sight from most of the village by elevated rock.

The rock was the kind with lots of parallel sorta slots in it, with lots of intense rises and falls. Really fun to climb, reminded me of the north except that there was a lot of this green moss stuff on the edges of it. I don't mean that really puffy soft moss, or that hard flaky moss, but the moss that really sticks to a rock and has a sort of pebbled texture when you run your finger on it. On the wet parts, I don't think there would be anything more treacherous, but it never came up. The rest of the village wasn't super rocky or anything, I guess it was in some sort of extended dip in the bedrock. There wasn't a whole lot of large plant life in the town, explainable by the rock no doubt being quite near the soil, but the grass and other small plants were vibrant and healthy and almost blinding in their greenness.

The plot wasn't as important to me and it's pretty fuzzy in my head, that which made sense to begin with. To start with, it explains the earnest and capable teacher in the village, who taught a diverse number of subjects that were listed but I do not remember. Unfortunately, he was a local and teaching was not his only duty. To compensate for the time he spent in the classroom and not doing whatever he did to feed himself, he had to charge more money than most were comfortable with. Eventually, he was replaced with two far less capable people who were better able to divvy up their time and the former teacher became a simple tutor for some of those with more money instead. The school is of no real importance to the story, but the two men are the cause of the conflict somehow, and are dicks. This is just some backstory for them, and how they got into a position where they could do whatever it is they did.

The person I see the story through is never really explained, and I'm not sure if he starts off as young as he is or if he becomes that way in the dream. Something... I think it has to do with a painting or something, brings a fleet of impressive wooden ships down on the town. I guess that means it's not in modern times. There cannot be resistance, the town has nothing to fight back with. They aren't going to kill us or anything, they are simply going to relocate the townspeople to a place where they can keep watch over them. Which is the middle east for some reason. The "king" of the invaders is present, and I basically grab him and run around town and explain why it's awesome. Which is a very childish thing to do, and might explain why I am a child and he morphs into one. I basically blow his mind with how awesome it is, aided no doubt by how quickly he sees everything. This dream was no different from my other ones in that I can very nearly fly in it and consider it normal. This is the majority of the dream, just running around, exploring parts of this town, climbing the rocks, looking at beautiful things. Then we run into a modified version of my dad's house from when I was a kid at the top of the rocks near the coast, presumably heading back to the docks where the invaders are. I don't remember anything past that. I woke up sweaty, like I always do after dreams where I move a lot.

So yeah, I've got pretty complex dreams. I'm a lucid dreamer, there's always a part of me who knows I'm dreaming and a part that doesn't. The part that doesn't is the audience, and the part that does spins tales with the subconscious to tell to it. I'm getting better at it actually, the stories and even GRAPHICS keep getting better. It's pretty awesome. I don't get nightmares probably because of this.

Fictitious matters

I haven't really been keeping up my blog because I've been busy, I'm sorry for that. The post this time is a bit of the book I'm planning to write. For now I'm calling it Novus. It's more setting barfed onto a page than anything, but that's more than anything I've done in years. I intend to start writing more as time goes on, and I'll put it up here.

Jere rose slowly, taking time to stretch and relish in the heat of the crackling fire, from where he had been seated reading a dusty old tome discussing the history of several prominent Sylian genealogies, then looked over to the desk where Nial was sitting; scribing a letter to some no doubt very important person- probably on Jere’s behalf. His devotion was enough to make Jere feel guilty, but Nial wouldn’t accept any charity, and was truly glad to be able to be the aide of who he saw as a great rising star; the only thing Jere could really think to do to make it up to him was to become as great as possible, and maybe grab him a cup of something caffeinated every now and then. This leadership thing is kinda hard, thought Jere, as he walked over to the counter to fix himself some cider and some caffeinated whatever-that-gunk-is for Nial.

After making both drinks and setting them on a tray, Jere glanced to make sure the germophobe, Nial, was busy with his writing, cautiously took a curious sip of the swirling concoction and immediately grimaced at its uneven thickness and taste which seemed to attack his taste buds. It wasn’t that it was BAD, it was just... very different. I’ll stick to my Cider for now, thought Jere, before walking over to the desk and placing the tray down.

“Hey Nial, I got you some of that stuff you like to drink, want to take a break with me?”

Nial looked up with mild surprise and took his cup. “You didn’t need to do that, but I suppose a break would be nice. For future reference, the drink is called dirlin. Considering it’s more popular than what you tell me coffee was in pre-Arrival Earth, it’s probably something you should know a little about. How are your studies coming?”

Jere walked over to the chair he had been sitting at and re-oriented it towards Nial. “Noted; just don’t ask me to start drinking the stuff. They’re going pretty well I think, but this is basically the ultimate culture shock. I’m not sure if it’s because of the addition of magic or if your kind of system might have been possible on Earth prior to the Arrival if things had turned out differently, but Sylian culture doesn’t have a whole lot in common with any Earth based one I’ve heard of. I’ve never been too big on Sociology, but I imagine someone who was would find many of their assumptions challenged by this stuff. It’s disorienting, but damn if it isn’t fascinating. I imagine you would have felt something similar when you first arrived here though. I was a little busy at the time being enslaved... What was it like, from your perspective?”

Nial laughed shortly. ”You’re right about the culture shock. That, we had more of. I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts on this for some time, putting the pieces together between pre and post Arrival is important; we’ve made enough mistakes since we came to this planet a short time ago, we need to clearly see where we are going. Back on Equinox, we were far from the only intelligent species around, but every other one had control of magic as well. For us, intelligence simply could not exist without the capability for magic, or vice versa. When we met you, just about everything we believed came into question.”

Jere nodded, looking thoughtful. “Yeah, I read a bit about that. I thought it was especially interesting looking at the etymology of what we would call Sentiency or Sapiency in English. Thinking or feeling doesn’t really cover what it is to be one of the intelligent species; your version seems to capture our place in the universe much better, even without magic. The idea that we are the “Changers”, the “Manipulators”, those who use; where others adapt to our environments, we make them serve us. Intelligence, magic, they all just seem to be symbols for this control we can exercise over existence. When you see the whole of existence as hardware and yourselves as the software, meeting something that defies the simplicity of those lines must be harsh, especially if you think you were placed in that position by the Gods.”

Nial smiles. “Well said, I personally think looking at a people’s language is one of the best ways to understand their values; you seem to have grasped this quite well. In the beginning, there were many of us who did consider you to be simple animals cursed of the Gods- having achieved thought but not deemed worthy of being blessed with the gift of magic. There is still much contention of what your existence means, but your friend the Ascended has made a huge impact on that. Your people owe him much, if he had not been here, the genocides and horrific treatment no doubt would have continued much longer than it did... I truly feel ashamed for the conduct of some of my species following the Arrival, but in our defence, I have no doubt that any of the other remaining sentient species on Equinox would have reacted much worse to it than we did, especially considering our complete surprise of finding intelligent life here at all. “

“Yeah, I don’t think the scars of what happened then are going to heal for a very long time, but it is true it could always have been worse. About your species and the surprise of finding us though, those are both things I’m blurry on. I know your race is somehow different from the others that were on Equinox, and that you needed to leave because of it, but all I’ve read about WHY doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. The closest I’ve come to understanding it is as some sort of magical pollution. And I just can’t understand how you could have moved your entire species to a new planet without having a clear idea of what was on it; clearly you at least knew Earth was environmentally hospitable to your people.” Jere said, visibly frustrated.

“That’s understandable. In many ways you are much more advanced than us with your specialized pure Science, but the limitations on that mean your species still hasn’t seen enough of the universe to properly understand how things work in different systems. I can give you the lecture.

We had been planning this move for centuries, we investigated Earth as much as we could; but there was no magical displacement here, so you were invisible to us. To us, no magic use meant there was no intelligence here. Science, even when magic is involved, is about deduction, and when one of your conditions or assumptions are wrong it throws the whole thing off. We’d never seen anything like you, so we expected nothing more than rabbits and grass. Figuring out Earth was liveable for us was determined by different methods. It’s difficult to explain without going over a lot more magiscience than I want to right now, but it’s like how you can tell the base components of a star by breaking up the light into colours; we could detect the presence and general type of organic compounds on Earth, but we couldn’t actually SEE what was here.

 For your other question, it’s not pollution. Not really. It was just global change, and we were being evolved out. The natural build up of free magic left after the deaths of Changer animals like us slowly made the atmosphere poisonous to us. As far as I know, we were the last remaining animal species remaining on Equinox- it simply has not been a planet suitable for purely chemical life for some time. Instead, it was the magus and demagus kingdoms that flourished; magus being organisms which incorporate magic into their biology, and demagus being organisms whose very biology IS magic. “

“Alright, I mostly understand, but I don’t see how that isn’t pollution. Surely being natural doesn’t make it any better? And will the same thing happen here?”

“No, one of the reasons we chose to come to earth is because it lacks the capability to store magic to anywhere near the same extent. A few floating mountains or something of that nature may appear after enough time, but nothing dangerous.

It’s not pollution because pollution is more or less purely harmful and this is not; being natural has little to do with it. More rain in this desert might be bad for the creatures that are adapted for survival with less, but it’s good for creatures adapted for more. It’s just change. Eventually that stored magical residue left in our bones made Equinox inhospitable to us, but it actually strengthens magi organisms. We just weren’t needed in our ecosystem anymore, so we went somewhere we thought we might be. Now that chemical-based creatures have disappeared there though, and considering neither magus nor demagus leave free magic when they die, there’s no telling how the system will change.”

“I see. Why does being a chemically-based species make a difference in your reaction to humanity though?”

“Some of us at least saw the hypocrisy in judging you before we knew all the answers, as we ourselves were judged for our differences on Equinox. The depopulation of a planet of all standard organic life is a slow process, and with our own ever declining population we become an increasingly uncommon sight to the other residents of the world. It became increasingly easy for those who did not know us to come up with reasons to hate us. Many of the other Changer species began to say that we were inferior; that the gift of the gods was killing us because we had been judged as unworthy. I think some found pleasure in going from persecuted to persecutor, but most who thought about it only found shame. It is likely that The Ascended was able to make such a difference only because the people were already looking for an excuse to change”

“You say that, but while they are mostly being treated much more humanely and the genocides are done with, most of the remainder of humanity is still enslaved. Is that not still oppression?”

“Is owning a horse oppression? Yes. Does it matter? Not really. I do not wish to offend you, but I am as my people in this regard. You and those other few who were Awakened with our Arrival are Changers and are nothing less than our equals, but only you. Following the recognition of the Ascended, we have accepted you into our society almost seamlessly and persecution of the human animals has stopped almost completely. Perhaps they are more noble and valuable than common animals, but to us they are still animals. Unchosen by the Gods. If you wish to improve how they are treated even more, you may attempt to do so, and may well succeed, but I doubt you will ever convince any of us of their equal worth. I will join you in condemning our past actions, but in this I hold firm.”

“It’s obvious I can’t agree with you, most of those I loved were taken when you came here because they did not Awaken, and the chaos of the situation has made searching for them extremely difficult- I don’t think I will ever find them, whether they are alive or dead. Still, I have come to understand, and I won’t be offended by it anymore. I’d rather not contribute to the hate between our species; I intend to fix things, not complain about them.”

“A noble goal, and one you’re quite capable of I imagine; between your relationship with the Ascended one, the speed in which you are adapting to the current world, and your own skills with magic you’re gaining a fair amount of attention. You aren’t like many other humans.”

“Thank you for the confidence, that’s what I’m hoping.” Jere idly stirred the remaining dregs of his cider by swirling his finger over the cup. “A lot of shit has happened since your species came here, and I hate it, but at the same time... I can’t help but feel giddy knowing that there’s a whole new world out there now to explore and make a difference in. I don’t get it, the world has always been huge and asking to be explored and fixed and mastered, but I never really bothered. Yet, a disaster for humanity has me exhilarated just because it brought something new along with it. I hate myself for it, but I suppose in the end it’s a good thing. If I didn’t have such an obvious flaw, I might mistake myself for the good guy...  At least I know that I’m selfish.” Jere glances at Nial, who is looking at him intently, and chuckles. “Sorry, I talk about stuff too much sometimes”.

Nial shakes his head slowly and says “No...” A hard to read expression slides across his face. “It’s really quite... quite alright”.

Morality + thievery

Lately I've been thinking about morality more, as I've realized that it doesn't really matter if I think morality is relative, people will still argue with points of morality, and in debate you're generally supposed to counter points with points of a similar nature. Actually, because I think morality is relative I can argue with perspectives other than my own and still be reasonable, so it's not a disadvantage or anything. It just makes me think of morality more. It has made me decide to actually create a code of what my own personal morals are, where before I simply decided if I was fine with whatever I was doing, it was fine. I won't do this all at once, I think I'll only cover thievery in this post.

I've never stolen anything in my life, nor do I really intend to actively start, but that's because it is usually just easier not to. A couple times I've had stuff stolen for me. It hasn't bothered me. Thievery is an act of redistributing resources without consent. If you are keeping the resources for yourself, that can be seen as selfish. Which as I've said before, I don't always have a problem with. Stealing and giving it away or something is even better. What matters is not the getting, but the taking. Whether I am fine with stealing depends who I'm stealing from.

Stealing is a destructive force, I won't steal from anything I don't want to destroy. Stealing from a corporation whose practices I don't agree with is a good thing because it damages them. It is a method outside of the system, and thus damages the system, but I want the system to change; so that is also good. It is selfish because it is a purely unilateral approach to achieving change, and any unilateral change is tyrannical, but part of the system that I want to change is how people see it, and that IS selfish. I won't steal from any individual, although I guess some of the larger super rich families can be considered corporations and I would steal from them. Small and private businesses I would be very hesitant to steal from, because no matter their practices, which are most likely better than larger ones as well, they simply miss it more and obviously aren't a huge social problem anyway.

Rather than write more or read this over and edit it, I'm lazy so I'm just gonna hit post.

SEX.

Huh... there's no post yet on my abstinence from sex(and similar things) and relationships... K, let's fix this.


I'll look at sex first. There are a couple exceptions: if I am with someone I love in a lasting way, or I feel like I can help someone by doing it- in more than just a temporary way. However, these exceptions are very unlikely. Now, the why. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with sex with people you don't love or something, I don't even believe in inherent morality. It's not because I don't have the urge to either, my body is actually quite annoying about it (thinking about getting my balls removed or something, it's a fucking nuisance and I'm afraid of making a mistake). The real reasons are pride, fear, and a desire to be trusted.

Pride because I see the shit that happens around sex, "players", disrespect and deceit. Disposable relationships, using someone to get in their pants. Rape. Even people I otherwise respect, when it comes to sex it's a whole 'nother game. Which means I can't be satisfied with just a bit of distance between me and them, I want there to be ZERO chance I could ever be confused with that. A perfectly clean history, having never had sex, at least suggests I've never done any of that shit before, and keeps my pride intact. The only insult I actually react to is "Pervert".

Fear because sex is a wonderful focal point for misunderstanding and miscommunication, and having sex with anyone I don't value romantically runs the risk that they somehow do and that I will hurt them. And goddamnit, I REALLY don't like hurting people.

Wanting to be trusted is the most important point, and is closely linked with my pride reasoning. Because bad shit happens with sex, a lot of people have had bad experiences with it. I don't really know how to help, I NEVER know how to help. But, I want to. And for that to happen, they need to trust me. To know that I AM NOT like whoever they've had bad experiences with, that I AM NOT a GUY, but a PERSON; a FRIEND. Proof that perhaps everyone isn't just pretending, that there are at least exceptions.

I guess that's good for sex.

Relationships are much simpler. Well, in the past I had different reasons. Now, it's because I know love, cannot be with and am unworthy of who I love, and anyone else would be a mere replacement unless I come to love another. In which case I would very likely still be unworthy and unable to be with her. I'm fine with this state of affairs as long as I can be near who I love, friends are about as awesome as lovers, I still have my love for her after all. People have questioned me on this before, but I really don't need to be loved, or liked for that matter. Even if you hate me, if I can be near those I'm fond of, I'm happy. I'm even safe from hurting anyone like that. It does make it hard to help, though.

An old writing

Last semester, right at the beginning, Professor Ranger asked us to write a paper about what we thought about philosophy and such. There were a few things we were supposed to cover. The core of what I believe has stayed the same, but there are considerable surface differences, and things I now consider to be horribly worded. Namely, the mention of liberty and when I say "the more you're worth"- I really mean how much you think and how free of biases you are, and that I respect you more. Clearly, I just defined my origin of value, I totally contradict myself with that. There has also been an overall change I can't really explain, but I think I made reality seem too straightforward and centred only on ideas and not emotions. It actually seems a little offensive now, judgmental sounding. Actually, it doesn't make much sense to be talking about this before the essay. Whatever, if you want to, you can refer to it after.

By: Mark Simpson (1002868)

For: Jean-Philippe Ranger

Phil 1013-B

Assignment 1: On Philosophy

Submitted September 11, 2009-09-10

Title: “Philosophy, maybe.”

Philosophy to me has always meant any sort of thought which attempted to divine questions of existence with logic rather than solid evidence, although any confidence I have in that definition only comes from the time which I’ve used it. I’ve labelled all my debates over religion, the creation of the universe, the reality of the real, and even the implications of quantum physics theory as philosophical, and they are what my mind connects to philosophy when I think of it. Some common questions of philosophy I’ve heard are about the meaning of life, the nature of reality, the origin of all things, and justice. There are a lot of people who also count personal beliefs and catchphrases as being a philosophy, but I don’t believe that’s accurate. I can’t count “Don’t worry, be happy” as being philosophical; it’s just a value with no argument behind it to back it up, and the philosophy I know demands some sort of logic. Philosophy is about truth, and truth does not change. Those answers that have been discovered in philosophy shall remain to be true for ever, as long as they are true to begin with.

The most important question in philosophy for me is definitely “What gives things value?”, but I am very confident in my answer. There is one trait that I hold has unconditional value, and that is the self, or personality. The inanimate being understands nothing that happens around it, and makes no choices for itself. The digital being can understand some things that happen around it but can make no choices for itself. The animalistic being can understand some of what happens around it and can make some choices for itself. The sentient being can understand more of what happens around it, and can make more choices for itself. In of themselves and not as a tool for humans, the standard value given to each of these would be in the order of inanimate = digital < animalistic < sentient. Therefore, I tend to define potential for personality development as being intelligence multiplied by liberty (both positive and negative). Therefore, what things have worth are those which foster those things. For clarification, although all people have personality, not all is equal. To start with, we are blank slates. For survival’s sake, our initial behaviours were taken directly from those around us and our biology, but as time passes, random chance separates us in what choices we make. Given enough of those random divergences, a self that is separate entirely from everyone else’s will develop, provided there are choices and the intelligence to understand that they’re there. At that point, there is personality, but not a complete one. A complete personality is one which has completely replaced all of their original “code”, and replaced it with their own, customized to them. I don’t actually know if that is possible, but the closer you get, the more I think you’re worth.

This question, and what I understand of the answer, is important to me because it unifies many things for me. I have had the core values of freedom and intelligence for as long as I can remember, I was not able to explain why. I desired to understand myself, and I was eventually able to uncover a rather simple version of this reasoning in me. Why personality gets to be the root value is another, rather large issue, but put in simple terms it’s really just that all subjective meaning, all the values that exist because people put value into them could never exist without those who have the self to place value. Life is more than just me, and my meaning for the world. It’s everyone, with all meanings. The ability to differ, to be unique, is the ability to exist. Otherwise, you’re just a shadow.

I don't THINK this is poetry

So I tagged along to this poetry workshop where I was very disruptive and such, and we didn't do much. The main thing we did was write out for 20 minutes, nouns of things in our lives. Then, some of us read them out. I might as well put mine here.

Residence
University
Friends
Self-improvement
reading
art
blogs
photos
love
food
bed
computer
debate
adrenaline
insomnia
anti-depressants
procrastination
happiness
missing people
laughing
helping
learning
awesome
Facebook
loss (The game)
video-games
nerds
roommate
studiousness
hugs
scissors
perverts
magic
asleep foot
randomness
philosophy
Internet
body
brain
retainer
distraction
necklace
clothes
senses
vitamins
ideas
space
time
reality?
dreams
plans
jokes
strangeness
snow
words
patterns
high-fives
pound-its
punches
profanity
letters
numbers
physics
msn
alcohol (not enough)
music

Blurbs! 2

No is a very powerful word. Normally we water it down with justification, but when you leave it on it's own it provides no room for negotiation and throws people off rhythm. It shouldn't be overused, but it's useful.

So I was having a conversation a while ago and I said something on the spot that I found really was accurate and that I should develop further. What I said was "Humans are like vectors- the direction we're going is part of who we are". I'm just glad I remember what vectors are.

Yesterday I went to a presentation about the dangers and checkered history of ecological engineering, and it was interesting. I thought his best points, aside from actual scientific refutations of why things wouldn't work, were the points about who held that power and what availability of this technology would do to inter-state politics. However, I found this presentation actually made me begin to consider it as an option: a desperation move to be sure, but something to do if it turns out humanity is too stuck on realism to do anything about the problem in time. I find it unlikely that things will improve any other way, as commercialism and population grow faster than green technology can be invented or implemented. This gives us some time to get our act together/ invent artificial ecosystems for colonization. One specific thing he mentioned that I thought was interesting was carbon scrubbers pumping pressurized CO2 underground, and various problems that would cause. I agree, but if there is a fairly simple way to get the O2 out of it, pure carbon is a useful resource. We could build a space elevator with that much.

Philosophy class was interesting yesterday. It had some interesting conversation. However, although most people were pleased with it, one person on Facebook took issue, saying we should stay on topic and not talk about pointless stuff. This seems flawed to me, and much more fixated on a profess-absorb method of teaching,rather than what I heard of as the Socratic method where you actively challenge and think about what you learn. Philosophy is better suited to that kind of method, and is not limited to the curriculum. If we get off topic, as long as we learn, we're doing well.

I've decided that if they let you go to lectures for free, working in a university cafeteria might be one of the coolest jobs ever. Great environment, access to constant learning, eternal youth... Great stuff. Only the work itself would kinda suck.

So I'm in the middle of a conversation with a friend from Sweden, and I realize we've been talking about the economy, health care, and job experience. A little part of me that considered myself a kid that would never be as boring as my parents died at that moment. Well, I'm still gonna be more interesting than THEM.

It's rare for me to say something bad about technology

I was looking through some incomplete drafts on my blog, hoping to make a complete thought out of one when I saw an entry on efficiency in Capitalism. In the end it hurt my brain too much and I slept, but it has some interesting ideas. Of course, as this is a more specific field those ideas are much more likely to be dead wrong than usual, but whatever.

When I looked over it again I realized something new, about the growth of consumerism and why it won't stop if things continue the way they are now. The post was about the growth of technology and how that would affect the cycle of money flowing back and forth between consumer and corporation. My conclusion was that capitalism is a system of scarcity, in a world of ample supply where goods can be produced with little or no labour, the resources would all gather on the side of corporations and the few with direct control over them. Capitalism would collapse. This conclusion was wrong, I underestimated the power of the market.

It's 4 in the morning as I write this, and I have a doctor's appointment at 9. I'm thinking of just staying up the whole time. Anyway, I thought I'd add to my blog at least as lay awake.

Back near the beginning of the semester, when my Economics and Global Politics were both talking about capitalism, I started to question the nature of efficiency in different systems. Frankly, too much efficiency in capitalism is inefficient. Efficiency is basically just achieving the optimal result with as little resource waste as possible. It's the production/cost ratio. Capitalism is a system of competition where those that are able to do this well grow, and those that don't die. However, the overall system of Capitalism has a much different pattern: Money is only worth anything as it is moved; in capitalism it flows from the consumer to the producers back to the consumer in wages.

Manpower is a huge cost for corporations, so they naturally try to get the job done with as few people as possible. In an age of greater and greater technology and roboticism, it's becoming easier and easier to do this. They cut the cost of wages, to keep more money in the company and for the investors. However, this creates an imbalance of cashflow as jobs are destroyed. All of the money is locked in the corporations, but it quickly becomes meaningless as there are no consumers anymore.

The current solution for the similar problem of simply underpaying outsourced workers has been to compartmentalize industries: goods are produced somewhere with terrible wages, almost all the money goes to the corporation, then all the stuff is shipped to somewhere with decent wages to be sold there. The decent wage places don't produce many goods, but because they have some of the terrible wage's share of money, they can get by on just perpetuating the system moving money around in service industries. How many people do you know make things for a living?

At the time I had some sort of half formed reason in mind for why underpaid workers were different than technological efficiency. It eluded my grasp however, and I soon gave up and went to sleep. Now it seems obvious that there is no difference, they are the same and Capitalism will deal with the new problem in the same way as the old: in the parts where there is money, just move it around. Workers will lose their their jobs at first, but those jobs will be replaced by new ones in the service industry as money begins to move toward the corporations and the people in charge of them look for ways to spend their money. Store clerks, sales, money management, the arts, the sex trade, these and other industries where machines can't really replace people will probably grow as time goes on. Capitalism won't collapse, just shift.

Growing roboticism will eventually make it cheaper for corporations to make use of machines almost entirely without use of an underpaid uneducated group. Should this happen, I do not know whether those people will be left with no possible source of income or whether new industries will grow to account for this vacuum. One option leads to complete economic abandonment of those people and far increased poverty, the other leads to a potential end to poverty, as they would become better suited to become consumers if they were paid, and they now only have use as consumers.

In Capitalism, you NEED a job to get money. When there is no meaningful work left, you need to create for meaningless work.
In Communism, there isn't necessarily any reason to have a job, and a world like this needs few enough people on top that it would probably be enough if you left it up to volunteers.
I don't advocate communism exactly, as I don't know enough about it. It's just an example. The world isn't going to be fixed no longer how long we walk our current path, fucked up status quo remains fucked up status quo. We need to change the actual system somehow. A tech-driven equivalent of whatever the ancient Greeks were like that was driven by slaves might be nice, if that also included the city state part.

But yeah, the world is fucked, we need to figure out how to fix stuff.

Note: I'm happy to mix it up a bit from the more emotional stuff I've been doing lately. This is hard on my mind and I didn't actually read it over or complete it to the extent that I wanted however.

Things everyone should know

This was originally something of a first draft. It's too heavy for me to go through now though.

The last year has shown me much more of the realities and pain of people. It's been an enlightening experience, and a saddening one. I don't regret witnessing at all, and if ever I was able help even a little I'm glad. Why are people so apologetic for showing who they are and what their problems are? Perfection is unattainable, you don't need to feel sorry for not being it, or for not knowing the future (stupid Zara...).

I would be honoured to trade my life for anyone I call friend. I care about you. All of you, even if you're creeping this blog and I don't even know you. You are worth something. You are not inferior, you are not a failure of a human. No one is. There are people out there, whether you know them yet or not, who will care for and love you and help you find your path. We are called friends. You don't need to hide yourself if you don't want to; and if you think we will only be bothered by your problems, you are wrong. You are valuable, and we will do our best to help and protect you. We will never feel less of you for showing what you feel. You don't need to bottle everything up inside, you don't need to try and be perfect. Just be you. Don't let anyone judge you, they don't matter.

Everyone is their own individual, a thoroughly unique and complicated piece of art. There is nothing which makes you less than another.

EDIT: Oh! Oh! I'm now contributing to another Blog now! Check it out: http://exposureextraordinaire.blogspot.com/

Geiger counter

There are unlimited ideas in the world, and thus unlimited things for me to write about here, but it still gets hard every now and then.

I guess I'll talk about philosophy, or whatever the stuff that comes from my head is. A big thing for me has always been finding the axioms of my own beliefs: those things with I hold to be unequivocally true which serve as the atomic structure of everything I believe. As time went on it became more and more clear that there was really only one for me. The only things I consider absolute (although they may not be, totally) are the actual rules of what we know as the universe, but my own gut feeling and chaos theory both tell me that the system isn't the only thing which exists: there is free choice, and unlimited potentials for the universe. That means I don't believe in any absolute morality or a preset system of values for things. Where then does value (or meaning)spring from then, as I no doubt feel it? The answer I found was: "Within everyone". For while there is one system which sustains us all and has one definite truth, there exist countless beings which have presence more than physical, a Personality that offers it's own perspective and creates it's own values. To some, God is the sole decider of a value: to Me, everyone is the God of their own universe which only they can see. God's universe is no more special than another's. Value then, is a relative thing to how much it is VALUED. Valuing being an action only beings with Personality can achieve. Personality, being yourself to your fullest, is the best thing you could ever do according to me.

My respect for education, my negative liberty, my Anarchy, and my disdain for what stifles individuals potential all come from this. Which is kinda cool. Any thoughts? Was I unclear on anything? Do you perhaps have a name for what I believe? No matter what it is, feel free to comment.


PS: I've also been curious about Buddhism for a while, and there's a Buddhist place here in Fredericton. They have open houses Wednesday's apparently. I'm gonna do a bit of preliminary research, and then I'm going to go check it out. Next week or the week after probably. Anyone else interested?

Dang it!

So "No Fear" is a brand name. If my roommate hadn't told me, I probably woulda made myself advertising. Now I need to think of a new concept for a tattoo.

I'll write a decent sized post on here sometime soon, but that's all for this time I think.

Gah!

Ok, so my post this time is mostly just a link. To a flamewar. Flamewars aren't my style, and I feel a bit ashamed I was part of one, but when facing elitism continuing to act all polite with insults flying at you just comes off as deference, and deference is not a good way to cure elitism. I do feel like I crossed a couple lines here, but I instigated nothing and they just wouldn't READ what I was saying, which was getting me annoyed.
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#/topic.php?topic=11874&post=46087&uid=263295450604#post46087

The most interesting part of this is that some of you actually know one of the people I was arguing with, so I'm about guaranteed a neutral response.

My main regret

Empathy, while you might try your hardest, is impossible to achieve fully when you haven't experienced anything like what the other person is feeling. It's sad, and every time someone tells me about something bad they're/they've going/gone through I feel so guilty that my life has been so easy when theirs hasn't, and so ashamed that I reach the limits of what I can do to help so soon just by listening. I abhor each and every time I've had to say "That sucks". And sometimes, it's more than just being unable to help. I... hate emotionally hurting people more than anything else, whenever I stumble in my ignorance it feels so much worse than anything that could happen to me. My fear of death comes only from this.

All my beliefs,everything about me... I wonder if it would have been possible had I lived a less damn sheltered and peaceful life, I can't escape the doubt which wriggles in my mind calling me a hypocrite, saying that the morality I don't believe in and the safety I'd so freely trade away are not the things which are truly petty, but my rebellion which may only be product of a mind which has always been surrounded by safety and morality. I know also that part of me relished in and held onto the pain of my depression, finally there was something which might bring me closer to understanding someone else's pain, and to the end of my self-doubt. I believe my fascination with physical pain stems from the same source.

I don't want to be ignorant and incapable, I want to understand and to help. I seek to understand everything, it hurts that I can't even fully understand something so important as you.

Nihilism!

Ok, So I was in an odd mood and was just about to write a post on religion when an online friend of mine who is really Christian and I debate with a lot comes online and starts talking to me. A short while later: Nihilism. Then: debate! It was pretty interesting, and I got his permission to blog about it. Except, I have the whole conversation here in text and the best way to understand something is to see it firsthand. So I'm pretty much just gonna copy-paste this. It'll be the least work and most material of any blog post I've done so far!

sam:
How goes your blogging?
Link it.

Mark:
http://myarbitrarilyreigningking.blogspot.com/
Fine, I'll help you procrastinate.

sam:
Enabler.

Mark:
Better than the opposite, it's your freedom.

sam:
Not all people are well suited to freedom.

Mark:
Well, you have the freedom to try and restrict your freedom. I won't do it for you.

sam:
Russian Nihilist!

Mark:
no clue what that means!

sam:
I'm not sure if there is anything that distinguishes that categorization from normal Nihilism, but Russians were most susceptible to the allure of Nihilism.

Mark:
Extreme scepticism, maintaining that nothing has a real existence?

sam:
Yeah.

Mark:
Ok.
Whatever I am, I like it. And it is more right than the other answers
because relativism allows for all those other answers as well

sam:
I struggle to decide what philosophy I find to be the most evil, but Nihilism is near the top

Mark:
I make no claim to be a nihilist, and thus won't defend it, but why?

sam:
Because it destroys all value and meaning leaving nothing but emptiness.
It's suitable only for people who only care about themselves.

Mark:
Eww, that is the OPPOSITE of the truth, if you're talking about what I am.

sam:
I'm talking about Nihilism.
You art thou.

Mark:
I still don't feel confident I truly know what nihilism is yet. I just have that you called me one as a clue.

sam:
I did that to tease you.
Your previous statement seemed to be in a such a spirit.

Mark:
Ok.
There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it on the surface though, what do you not like about it?

sam:
If it would to be fully applied it would mean the complete disintegration of order.
Not just a specific order, all order.
Remember the evilness of The Joker in The Dark Knight?

Mark:
What is order and what about it is so great?

sam:
Tell that to your house.
Or huge societal system that brings you food, or lets you go to school, or builds roads.

Mark:
What makes those things good?

sam:
I like my food very much thank you.

Mark:
Nihilism is a radical school of thought, it's made to be different, it makes us question things we take for granted. Nihilists decide there is nothing, and thus nothing has inherent value.

sam:
No, nothing has value... at all
That is the end of thought.
The suicide of the mind.

Mark:
It is still possible to value something as a nihilist.

sam:
I would argue that then one is not a proper nihilist.
I would also argue that valuing at least something is kinda a good idea.

Mark:
In the end, what difference is there really between reality and all-pervasive illusion? It's more of a different view on life than anything else.

sam:
Take a step back from that thought and ponder it's implications.

Mark:
Then you are flawed in your thinking.
The inability to value is not part of nihilism.

sam:
But I can put value on things
In fact, I put a hell of a lot of value on things
Whether it is true or not, the Nihilistic way of mind is ultimately the most destructive way of thinking
It is also the most ego-centric

Mark:
I disagree, and your words stink of fear

sam:
Of course they do.
Because I know what it does to me when I succumb to it.
I know that without my faith I would have to give in to complete Nihilism as the only rational thing and therefore take my life.
This I will never do.

Mark:
Nothing has meaning does not equal nothing exists, nor does it equal morality does not exist.
It only equals meaning does not exist, and I would guess you'd be more susceptible to that than a nihilist

sam:
I don't want to live without meaning, morality or reality thank you very much

Mark:
Reality I've given up to uncertainty, morality is much better off acknowledged as relative, and meaning there is an endless supply of.

sam:
Perhaps my faith is but an imaginary shield defending me from the crushing weight of nothingness. Or it is the truth defending me from the crushing weight of nothingness. I cannot know.

Mark:
Say, for a second, that god did not exist. Rather than crush you, would this not lift you? For everything you felt in yourself throughout your life that you took to be god definitely existed. Just, it was you.

sam:
No, definitely not.
It would mean there was nothing behind what I felt, that it was empty, hollow. What I feel has value because I believe it comes from somewhere.

Mark:
And when you are god, or on equal footing with god, then your own meanings surely carry the weight of a universe with them as well? Whatever you value has value, simply because you value it?

sam:
If I was to be God, what a worthless God I would be.

Mark:
What does having travelled through a channel or two do to make value more valuable?
Why must it come from somewhere else and not you?

sam:
Because I am obviously such a fallen thing, Because I sense something greater outside of myself.

Mark:
Worthless? now I see the true heart of this issue.
Of course, without worth attributed to yourself, you would need to latch on to something else. You don't trust yourself, so you instead become a parasite on god's arm. You are the true nihilist, reality and morality are there for you maybe, but you as a being cannot believe in you.

sam:
I guess that is one way to look at it
But I do give myself worth
In fact, I give myself endless worth
Just as you say, worth from God
You say that everything in relative, then there must be something definitive

Mark:
Hah! You take God's worth, that is only as I have said
Everything is relative to the perspectives of every being out there. Every being is equal to god, we all are endless springs of value and creation
God may have been first, and he may be smarter and more powerful, but the only things with value are what are given value by beings capable of valuing. And he no longer has a monopoly on that.

sam:
And I shout for joy since I may. What all mankind has failed to do by themselves, I let God do for me

Mark:
And thus you are a nihilist. A scared one, who casts bridges of light and shadow to avoid looking too closely at it. Whether god exists or not, whether you know this or not, you are a nihilist

sam:
Yeeeeeeeaaaah
And you too, sound afraid
Afraid that God really exists, afraid that something above you is really out there.
So there we go, I believe in nothing so I believe in God, you believe in everything so you don't believe in God.

Mark:
Heh, I want god to exist.

sam:
I don't buy that.

Mark:
I don't need god, and his existence as a crutch annoys me. But I want him to be there for the sake of my friends, I want them to be able to exist forever if they want to.
God is the only way there can be an afterlife.

sam:
Well, good luck with the idea of yourself.
I shall now leave the digital prison that holds me captive.

Mark:
Goodbye, and sorry if I offended you.

sam:
Remember, the soul is fed by looking outward with love upon others.
Of course you didn't ^^
Elementary atheism is about as offensive as a glass of milk
Or humanism or whatever you call it
Neither of us progressed this conversation beyond where it was a century ago
We were just repeating the arguments of millions before us. Neither of us budging an inch. Quite juvenile of us both ^^

Mark:
Well, I don't know about any of those conversations, so...
I figure I was quite original

Interesting, huh?

PS: I totally can't remember how to change text colour...

As awesome as a penguin in a tophat would be...

So, I want a tattoo. Thus, I will get one. I've been thinking of what I want for a long time, but the only sort of artistic thing I wanted, a wolf blended with a scorpion from a dream I had once and have since regarded as what my familiar would be if I could have one, I have been totally unable to transfer from my brain onto paper. I finally figured out what I want other than that though, I just need to work out a couple details. The words "No Fear" on the back of my right shoulder is basically optimum. I'd like to keep it fairly stark, but things like font and such I don't know yet. Black.

Fear is... Annoying. Sometimes when you want something, you need to chuck out whatever the consequences are and just take it. I guess it's just that I'm big on freedom, and fear is the hardest oppressor to get rid of. "Stop worrying, just jump out of the plane already, haven't you ever wanted to fly?" ...That kind of thing.

The same day, just for fun, I might do something stupid like my hair. Like dye it purple. Also, if it wasn't too expensive for me to bother, I'd get a lipring to wear for that one day. Not one of those centre of the lip ones though. It would be cool to freak people out. Oh, and maybe some of those really colourful contacts too.

Opinions?

Blurbs!

A collection of random short thingies. It may become a series.

Ok, so I was randomly thinking about words again earlier. I haven't actually checked it out yet, but I think the two most common phrases for keeping your weight down and your strength up are now off limits for me. Think about it, Getting in "Shape" puts a lot of emphasis on appearance rather than strength, and staying "Fit" really sounds like it's about clothes sizes. As I don't believe either word properly demonstrates the real benefits of working out and only stresses the shallow pressures of society subliminally, I now need to figure out how function without those two common words. Any replacement suggestions?

Two random quiz things which sort of stuck in my mind despite their silliness are: a breakdown of your elemental (fire, earth, wind, water) composition, and a quiz about which of the seven deadly sins you are. I find the first makes an excellent personality test, and the second was just weirdly accurate and seemed to have one that applied to one person more than the others each time. For the record, I consider myself 55% wind, 35% earth, 9% fire, and 1% water approximately. I'm also obviously sloth.

If you know me long enough, you'll probably at some point hear me make a reference to "Applesauce". It's from one of the sequels of my favourite book ever, Idlewild. I was rather disappointed with the book itself, but I found this one thing to be entertaining. The main characters are cryogenically un-freezing a huge number of people. They decide to unfreeze everyone, even though the majority of those who could afford the freezing were really rich corporate assholes. However, it was decided that just leaving it at that was far too risky for the health of the new world, and a secret project by some of the main characters was put into effect: locating the potential "bad apples", and putting little bombs in their heads. The codeword to activate the system to explode one of them was "Applesauce". It is now one of my favourite words, although that should not be taken to mean that I agree with the way they did things in the book.

Finally, a question. Pen and paper roleplaying games are really really fun. Do any of you play? And if so, what kinds?

I REALLY hate getting yelled at for no good reason

What exactly is the relationship between parents and children? It seems I and most of the rest of the world have different views on this. First of all, it's a relationship between people: meaning friendship, hate or any other human emotion is possible between them. Love cannot be bought, nor can it be earned by hours spent, love between parent and child is not automatic. Secondly, it's a relationship of teacher and student: parents are just about the only rolemodel for children in their most vulnerable state of their lives, and are there throughout much of the child's life. Most parents like this fact. Thirdly, it's a relationship of Sponsorship. You have this kid, and you like him, so you give him what he needs to do well. Or, you don't like him, and the government takes him on instead. It's not a partnership, as the kid never had any say in this from the start, and it's not a relationship of complete deference by the kid: as again the kid never had any choice and that's just unfair. All money spent by parents on their children is 100% their choice.

That is the extent of the relationship between parents and children. If both parties are unsatisfied with this and wish to negotiate a FURTHER agreement such as the child letting the parent live their life in exchange for more sponsorship, this is acceptable. It is not acceptable for the parent to provide extra sponsorship and THEN complain that the child isn't living their life the way the parent wants. EVERYONE'S life is ONLY THEIRS to live. Why is it that for something treated as common sense by most people, there are so many exceptions perceived around it?

EDIT: I tried adding "reactions" to my blog, but it didn't really work. The bottom option that's half cut off says "misguided".