Self revelation

I've been called pessimistic and cynical for a long time and I never understood that, I always saw myself as an optimist who believed in the value of individuals. I still do, but I guess I can see where they're coming from a bit more now. I realized as I used the "next blog" function on blogger and began to think about my impressions of different blogs and why I thought that about them. There was a clear distinction between what I liked and what annoyed me, without much middle ground at all.

Most blogs annoyed me because of all the bright colour and gaudy patterns and a sort of monotone happiness that seemed almost stretch or forced; not necessarily fake, but only showing the parts of the truth that were most acceptable to show. They talk about things which interest them but which very little personal information is passed in. Blogging is a very... intimate mode of communication. What's the point of making another cooking or knitting blog unless you put yourself into it? People don't look to blogs for recipes, they look to blogs because they're written by a person and carry their perspective and feelings.

I like blogs which are twisted, dark, depressing, ethereal, stark, different, manic, personal, deep, and DIVERSE. They're more real, more meaningful, more powerful. No one feels happy all of the time, and when they do it's not and shouldn't be FLAT, it should carry an energy and a vibrancy to it and have it's own sort of music. It is something that's disgraced when it's put on. And when you aren't happy, hiding it and talking about trivialities and overusing smileys to cover the gigantic hole where you are supposed to be... well, I don't like that. I like it when people share who they are unapologetically.

Those were my initial thoughts, but the meanings in them took a while to hit. I have no natural reason to think they way I do that I can think of. Why do their monotone happinesses (?)seem so unnatural to me? I hate other people's pain, I'd erase all of it if I could. Yet, I find that while everyone else turns away from pain, I turn toward it. I guess that's good, it's easier to fight something you're facing, but that's not the reason I think I see. A reason I've been living my life with little regard for my own happiness.

Seriously, Why the fuck do I find pain beautiful?

No topic off limits

I want to do a thing where you ask me questions and I answer them. It can be anything: personal or impersonal, ideas or bananas. The stranger the better. I will answer, I will be honest, as long as you ask. I had a discussion earlier about masturbation habits, Chances are I won't be put off or made to feel awkward by anything you ask.


Edit: excluding of course other people's secrets

Fun Fact: I accidentally first posted this on the wrong blog.

Sex, revisited

Since I first made the decision to become abstinent I have had doubts of whether the trade-off was truly worth it. I don't mean the pleasure of sex, I don't care so much about that. Well actually it's more about my virginity than sex in general. What I didn't like is that by giving up sex without trying it, I also gave up sound logic and any chance of understanding one of our species' driving forces. I don't know the first thing about sex, yet I rejected it. For a good reason, but nonetheless. It was made even more complicated by the necessity of separating lust from my logic. It basically came down to a value judgment between trust and empathy. Which is hard.

I was having another one of these doubt sessions earlier, and complained about it to Lisa. Her response was to tell me what sex meant to her, and it made me realize that I have been far too clinical with this whole thing; that sex is a method of expression of care first and foremost, not just a pleasurable mating process. I've decided to let my feelings decide my actions now: if having sex feels right and won't hurt anyone I will try it. If not, I won't. Considering my nature it probably means I won't ever still, but you never know.