It's so strong right now. The root of my problems is just something so STUPID. Something no one else seems to have problems with. I'm unable to get motivation to do anything that looks like work. Some of that is because of stress from self-hate and anticipation of failure, but I simply don't know how to make myself do something when I don't want to. If I take away everything but it, I will simply do nothing and worry over it. I neglect cleaning, washing, proper eating, friendships, and more and get failure for my problems.
But if I don't put in my my hours of hate and pain then I don't even have a shadow to hide behind for my failure. At least I sort of tried even though I may not have written two words. Of course, I won't say that, it's just for myself. For other people, my first option is always to hide. I didn't even know I had walls until recently. I hate myself so much that I can't imagine anyone who truly knows me would like me. Normally I don't mind if someone doesn't like me, but that expression-twisting of the mouth in disgust- that hurts me.
Ok, I just sent an email to my brother. I'm probably going to regret this in the morning. No, I AM going to regret this in the morning. Whatever. Here it is :
This is stupid and I shouldn't be doing it. But I'm feeling shitty and spiteful right now, and I'm trying to stop hiding my emotions. So there's this. I'm here to address what you said so often when we were growing up and you hurt me. "You'll thank me later". Yeah, that's never going to happen. I'm going to therapy now for my self-hate. It turns out that's the root of all my problems, and I have quite a few. There is just so much of it in me. Before I went to therapy it never really registered how MUCH of it there was, or that it was unhealthy. It's been part of me almost my entire life. I don't remember when I was a kid very well, but at least by the beginning of middle school it was flourishing. Part of it came from NLD, which made people think I was smart but lazy. I internalized that and decided it was better to fail on purpose than to try and still fail. A sort of loser perfectionism. You probably didn't have much to do with that. What you did do was eternally erode my confidence, teach me to lie, and teach me to hide my true feelings behind ever-thicker walls to avoid the ridicule and that damn "are you serious" face. You did that very well; there is still no one who knows how to read me. Ariel is a freaking empath and I'm one of only a few people she's ever met that she can't read. You abused me and told me it was because I was a wimp, that it was good for me and would toughen me up. I learned being in control made things hurt less. To stay in control I put on a fool's face and showed only fake emotion; I brought the mentality that it was better to fail on purpose than not to my social life. I didn't have any meaningful relationships between 6th grade and 11th grade. I got better at hiding any "unacceptable" emotions as I went. I don't know when I started not crying, but I'd place it at about the start of middle school as well. It wasn't until this year that the cracks opened enough for me to do it again. My life didn't really ever start until you were out of it. I stagnated for years and years with only minor changes, but when you left I finally started to grow into myself. Grade 12 felt like the best year of my life because I finally began to rebuild my confidence and gain emotional bonds. For the first time in many years I began to think more positively about the future: I who had been passively suicidal for years decided to try and go to University instead. When I went to STU and became depressed I did not even consider sharing my situation until I had no other choice and it would be revealed anyway. I did not feel safe. I could see the disbelief in all of your eyes. I could feel the coming conversations telling me to stop being lazy and to suck it up. So I armed myself with a doctor's signature. It was more than you that made me feel that way, but you had a big impact. Because of you, I always feel alone. Because of you, the mere thought of someone truly knowing me and my thoughts sends bubbles of panic through me. You are probably the person who has had the greatest impact on my life. I hated you, but I wanted your approval like nothing else. I needed it to make me worth something again. It sickens me now. You've changed. I've changed. But just seeing you makes me start building the walls up again, makes me feel LESS. When you spoke about living together I felt nothing less than fear. So yeah, thanks a lot.
