I'm currently in therapy trying to deal with my self-hate. Until I was persuaded to go I did not realize how pervasive or poisonous it is. From the seeds of those sessions, the effect of my relationship with Ari, and the influence of some great stories, I've started to grow a greater understanding of myself and emotions in general. It's not exactly easy, and I'm currently trying to climb out of a self-hate laziness spiral my schoolwork has started to go down. But for the first time in a long time I have a reason to believe I won't just disappoint myself again, and it's nice.
One of my problems is that I need so much time to recharge. Time to myself with a computer or a book just doing something that doesn't matter. I need to "waste time" every day or I go crazy. I think it's just stress I don't know to handle. It's easier to ignore stress when I don't try to solve it's causes.
Something weird: I'd noticed it before, but I move my scalp muscles a lot. Like, in subtle ways as a sort of physical analogue to what I'm thinking/feeling. I think my headaches come from that to a large degree, because when I'm stressed and I pay attention to those muscles they're always pretty tense. I used to say I didn't get stressed, and it was mostly true. But failing and self-hating made me start.
I need to learn to smile and laugh more. Maybe because I feel my laziness so keenly, there's always an undertone of "I'm wasting time and being immature and hateful" when I'm having fun. Or doing anything that's not working productively.
Ok, I have to actually work on that schoolwork about now. I thought this would be more summary and less random shit. More at some point.
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