Me.

I was writing this post all nonspecific and vague at first, but fuck that. Here's me.

I'll start at the beginning: pre-Jessi. I just didn't care. I said I would die for anyone, and thought it was bravery rather than a complete lack of self-value. My life sucked and I didn't know it. I fluctuated between super hyper and gloomy and judgmental at least five times a day. I wasn't depressed, but I didn't value ANYTHING, and my emotions were weak as anything. Socially awkward, a bizarre mix between seeking any kind of attention and doing all I could to save face at my many screwups. I planned suicide after highschool because that's when life would stop being easy. I failed at least one course away every semester in highschool except for the last one to lighten my load and because I just didn't care. I had no reason to. And yet, I was always smiling, people were always asking why and I didn't know, I didn't even notice. Well, I must admit there had been some change before Jessi as well as I started to value my friends more, but she was the main change.

I met Jessi, and at first I just thought she was a cool friend, but as time went on I started to like her more and more, and we became closer and closer. Eventually it changed, it could no longer be called liking her anymore, I loved her. And I changed. I started to become something much more similar to what I am now than what I was. My love for her was more emotion than I thought could even fit inside of me, and it just kept increasing. I started to care more about other things too, started to realize fully just how awesome my friends were. Decided to work, to get into university, because I wanted to be on her level and to stay close to her. I actually did work. I ditched the dramatic suicide plans. I started being able to understand people more, and trying to help. I stopped not doing things I should do because I thought it might be awkward. I had been empty my whole life and didn't notice until love filled me.

However, our close friendship ended, on no small part due to my addiction, always needing her, pushing her away with incriminations of not wanting to be friends anymore because you're busy studying and you're having family trouble. Eugh, I was stupid. It was always supposed to be about her, but I made it about me somehow. Focused on the feeling too much instead of what it meant. But anyway, I was left with barely ever seeing her. Wallowing in my regrets as I realized how dumb I was. When I came to STU it was on and off. In the day, complete adrenaline rush awesomeness coolest place ever. At night it was walks in the cool air, hating myself. Watching as those night hours grew, until it was the only thing I did. And then they stopped, and I lied in bed, day after fucking day. Wanting desperately to fix everything, knowing it would probably never happen, knowing I would probably never even get the chance to show that I had changed. It just kept getting worse and worse, and even then my love for her grew. It did until the end. Always, always staring at my cellphone hoping for a text I knew wasn't going to come, staying near the computer in case she was on msn and maybe wanted to talk. Listening to The Rasmus on repeat for ever because it made me think of her. Writing essay after essay on everything to her, and not sending them, but sometimes sending something off by impulse and usually regretting it. Losing focus in confusion and regret eventually and just being depressed all the time with no need for Jessi to be involved. Generally, pain and depression. I learned the opposite end of feeling, and I don't actually think I regret that. At least I can understand now.

And now it's been about a year since we stopped hanging out, and I've let go. We actually did start to hang out a bit more for a while there, and I actually accidentally let the plans sort of slip through the cracks because my mind was preoccupied with other things. Which is kind of amazing. She's still awesome though, and I need to fix that. A quick look and I might seem fine, recovered. Of course that isn't fucking true though. While I have changed, and my friends mean more to me and I'm not quite so lazy and all of that, the fact remains that I was empty before she came, and now she is gone. She was literally the meaning for my life, the reason I decided to live. I didn't replace her in my mind, where she was is empty again. Tell me, what do I live for? Why should I go to class? Why should I DO anything? There really are only two things I want that I have been able to discover; ease, and the happiness of friends. It's really only the latter that stops me from just forsaking all work. I need a goal, I need something I can ignore hardship for the sake of. I can't get by on inertia.


The most hard to read post ever, probably is brought to you by your friendly neighbourhood person who doesn't know what he is well enough to end this cleverly.