Burying your grandfather and the decade in the same day seems a little much, but I guess that's how life goes. I won't try to sum up the entire decade; it's just too large. I do feel the need to say a few words of parting for 2009 however, fumbling though they may be. I thought of breaking the year into months, or doing what Jessi did on toetwis, but I don't think I can. I'll just say what I can say until I'm done saying what I'm saying.
The year was one of soaring heights and crushing lows for me; and although I'm afraid there were probably more lows in the end, it taught me a lot. The stuff below is all pretty personal and is more than a bit heavy. It's up to your own discretion whether you read it.
It started in Jessi's house, and we played Catan and had fun. Then it was back to school; and with Jessi's guidance then and in the previous semester I was able to finally learn how to work, which lead to me passing every course in a semester for the first time since entering high school. Which, considering you can only take two summer school courses and I was short two credits, was kinda important. If I had not passed, I would have been in high school another year, and I never would have gone to university. So yeah, thanks Jessi. My life would have taken a much different, darker path if I hadn't known you.
In that final semester there was the unfortunate death of PIRC, having fun with friends, being stupid about missing Jessi, working hard but less than I could have been, and the strangeness of the graduation where everyone else was doing it and I wasn't yet. After school for me was summer school, and feeling bad about hearing about fun things I couldn't do because I was in Saint John all day. Still, I enjoyed excelling in a way, I used it to try to get myself used to doing the best, and it sort of worked: both courses were high 90s. Still, when I could hang out it was really fun.
Then came going to school, and it was amazing. I had 3 week long adrenaline rush when I moved in. Breaking down my barriers, contributing in winning the cheer competition in welcome week for example, talking to what seemed like an infinite amount of new people, walking into every open door I could find in my res and introducing myself and talking, getting drunk for what was really the first time in the welcome week transition wet-dry and having people I didn't know remember me and talk about it ages later, getting into random debates over the nature of the universe and such all the time, going to awesome and genuinely educational classes, and just generally loving life. The culture of university was something I hadn't experienced, and it felt like home to me. Unfortunately, for the adrenaline rush period and for some time after, I gave the impression of abandoning my friends for new ones. I didn't mean to do this, I just had trouble finding free time ahead of time, and I just needed to walk down the hall to find someone to hang out with at STU. And a few of the people at STU actually were awesome enough for me to consider part of my close circle of friends. A couple of whom are possibly reading this.
After that, I started to break down slowly. I could still act happy and be social in the day, but I started going on long walks by myself at night to feel depressed. This got longer and longer and worse until I couldn't push it away at all in the daylight hours anymore. I stopped going to classes, staring with real reasons and then just not going anymore. I started staying in bed all the time, becoming almost completely nocturnal. Soon I even gave up the walks and stayed in bed 24/7. It wasn't a good time, and it stayed like that until I finally went to a doctor and got the meds right before exams. I still feel pretty bad from time to time, and I can't avoid the feeling that the relative happiness I have now is just pushing the depression away for a while like I did in the beginning instead of a permanent effect or the effect of the meds. Although this isn't really the place for that.
Christmas break has been good, it was great in the beginning when I was basically living in Allen and David's house, but I like my friends more than my family and I haven't seen my friends much at all for quite a while... And my grandfather did die, as I mentioned.
Now that I've written it out it sounds worse, but there were many parts I enjoyed. More than anything, I have hope for the future.
December 31, 2009
To-do list
I think I’m starting to get a bit addicted to self-improvement, despite my laziness. This is good, for to live the unusual kind of life I’d like to live, unusual knowledge and skills are needed. Rather than just picking up whatever, specific things I’d like to learn about and courses I’d like to take I am going to add to this list. What I can think of, anyway. These are all more specific trade like skills, rather than general knowledge or academic subjects where producing or using something is only possible after huge understanding is achieved, like Biology.
First aid course
Driving skills, standard and automatic (working on this)
Paramedic course
Leatherworking
Maybe a bit of sewing?
Metalworking (Metals Processing in high school)
Woodworking (More carving than actual carpentering)
Old school forging
Basic electronic wiring skills (Microelectronics in high school, it didn’t really stick.)
Linux mastery
Ability to program light code (working on it)
Basic understanding of various types of engines (Internal combustion, electric, less so aircraft) and power plants (It annoys me that I don’t know how the thing which drives our society works)
3d art
“Freecycling” minus the politics Scrounging useful trash
Graffiti
Freerunning
Get some work experience as a backup
Harmonica
A striking martial art that uses most of the body
Making carbon nanotubes doesn’t seem very hard...
Cooking vegetarian, possibly eventually levelling up to vegan
That’s all I can think of right now, and it’s a lot to master. I’d love it if readers were to add some goals of their own to the comments: we can root each other on trying to accomplish them. Especially if we share some of the same ones :D
First aid course
Driving skills, standard and automatic (working on this)
Paramedic course
Leatherworking
Maybe a bit of sewing?
Metalworking (Metals Processing in high school)
Woodworking (More carving than actual carpentering)
Old school forging
Basic electronic wiring skills (Microelectronics in high school, it didn’t really stick.)
Linux mastery
Ability to program light code (working on it)
Basic understanding of various types of engines (Internal combustion, electric, less so aircraft) and power plants (It annoys me that I don’t know how the thing which drives our society works)
3d art
Graffiti
Freerunning
Get some work experience as a backup
Harmonica
A striking martial art that uses most of the body
Making carbon nanotubes doesn’t seem very hard...
Cooking vegetarian, possibly eventually levelling up to vegan
That’s all I can think of right now, and it’s a lot to master. I’d love it if readers were to add some goals of their own to the comments: we can root each other on trying to accomplish them. Especially if we share some of the same ones :D
A Public Will
The funeral of my grandfather has left me thinking about death, and what should happen to the remains of my life whenever I die. This is probably worth just about nothing legally, but in the event of my death I want it to be a guideline for what should happen.
1. Possessions: they do not matter. Let my friends and family take whatever they wish, and either give away or throw out the rest. In the event of conflict, give the item to whomever has less from me, or by use of the Big Bang Theory version of rock paper scissors. I will be disappointed if this doesn't happen at least once. I do not wish anything to be left with my body.
2. Disposal of the body: If an awesome thing like mummifying my body cannot be achieved, spare the expense. Do whatever is cheapest, donating my body to science would be cool. If people wish to look at my body, you can spend the money and pretty it up. If no one cares either way, don’t bother and just have a closed casket. I don’t know if I’m marked down as an organ donor, I can’t remember. I wish to be one if they can be salvaged.
3. Religious service: I understand that such a thing can make people left behind feel better, however I find this flies in the face of just about everything I believe. I wish for no service, and I would ask that you not pray for me. I’m afraid also, that my death must be our final parting, no matter what the truth of the universe may be. A life lived however you want for a short time, and then infinite ending is a much more romantic concept for me than eternal life. It’s more meaningful. If there exists a reasonable god, he will grant me the oblivion after life that I desire. If God is not reasonable, then I still will not meet you; either I will be sent to a less pleasant place, or I will tear that place down. I’m happy with this lot, although I regret I probably won’t get to say goodbye to any of you. If it ever happens, remember I care about all of you and that you made my life a life fully worth living.
4. Circumstances of death: In the event of death that isn’t totally blameless, I do not wish whoever caused it to feel guilty or be prosecuted. The law is more powerful than my word, but if I am killed I would like this will to be presented as evidence for the suspect. If nothing else, switch the charge to assisted suicide, as I’m essentially granting permission in this writing. If I’m dead vengeance doesn’t matter anymore, grant me one last Anarchist laugh. Everyone dies eventually, it’s no big deal. If there was an accident, really don’t feel bad.
A. Exception to the above: In the event that my death is the result of major negligence or law avoidance by a corporation or some such, my values of relative morality no longer apply and I would wish the world improved by their prosecution, unless you all deem it is too troublesome.
5. Secular funeral: I would wish only the absolute truth spoken of me, please ditch the rose-tinted glasses. Anyone who wants to come can.
6. A final goodbye: A message from me to be kept in mind should I die. “I would ask that you just forget about me, I’m not worth crying over. Somehow though, I just don’t think that would work. Goodbye, I’m sorry I’ve made you sad by dying before you. I love you all.” This should be spoken. This will in its entirety should be made available.
So, what do you think?
1. Possessions: they do not matter. Let my friends and family take whatever they wish, and either give away or throw out the rest. In the event of conflict, give the item to whomever has less from me, or by use of the Big Bang Theory version of rock paper scissors. I will be disappointed if this doesn't happen at least once. I do not wish anything to be left with my body.
2. Disposal of the body: If an awesome thing like mummifying my body cannot be achieved, spare the expense. Do whatever is cheapest, donating my body to science would be cool. If people wish to look at my body, you can spend the money and pretty it up. If no one cares either way, don’t bother and just have a closed casket. I don’t know if I’m marked down as an organ donor, I can’t remember. I wish to be one if they can be salvaged.
3. Religious service: I understand that such a thing can make people left behind feel better, however I find this flies in the face of just about everything I believe. I wish for no service, and I would ask that you not pray for me. I’m afraid also, that my death must be our final parting, no matter what the truth of the universe may be. A life lived however you want for a short time, and then infinite ending is a much more romantic concept for me than eternal life. It’s more meaningful. If there exists a reasonable god, he will grant me the oblivion after life that I desire. If God is not reasonable, then I still will not meet you; either I will be sent to a less pleasant place, or I will tear that place down. I’m happy with this lot, although I regret I probably won’t get to say goodbye to any of you. If it ever happens, remember I care about all of you and that you made my life a life fully worth living.
4. Circumstances of death: In the event of death that isn’t totally blameless, I do not wish whoever caused it to feel guilty or be prosecuted. The law is more powerful than my word, but if I am killed I would like this will to be presented as evidence for the suspect. If nothing else, switch the charge to assisted suicide, as I’m essentially granting permission in this writing. If I’m dead vengeance doesn’t matter anymore, grant me one last Anarchist laugh. Everyone dies eventually, it’s no big deal. If there was an accident, really don’t feel bad.
A. Exception to the above: In the event that my death is the result of major negligence or law avoidance by a corporation or some such, my values of relative morality no longer apply and I would wish the world improved by their prosecution, unless you all deem it is too troublesome.
5. Secular funeral: I would wish only the absolute truth spoken of me, please ditch the rose-tinted glasses. Anyone who wants to come can.
6. A final goodbye: A message from me to be kept in mind should I die. “I would ask that you just forget about me, I’m not worth crying over. Somehow though, I just don’t think that would work. Goodbye, I’m sorry I’ve made you sad by dying before you. I love you all.” This should be spoken. This will in its entirety should be made available.
So, what do you think?
December 30, 2009
Because asking people on the internet always helps.
When you look in history, you see a bunch of people trying to do the right thing in the end, killing and doing things they don't want to be able to get the power to help shape the world after they have it. Looking at periods of unrest in early China and such, you will see many of these people. The problem is, they rarely actually get enough power before they fail and die, or to hold onto that power they are forced to always follow their initial violent means. They seek right, but end up doing only wrong. It annoyed me that they couldn't see this, and seek a life where only good is introduced, rather than a life where good greatly outweighs the bad.
However, now that it's come down to me, it doesn't seem so clear. I've been debating, on a much smaller scale, what path my own life should take ideally. One path leads to zero consumption, zero participation in any systems I do not approve. The other is acknowledging that the gain these systems acquire from only my presence in them is insignificant, and tries to use them to my advantage to fight them. Investing money for instance, to gain enough money to help fund my own initiatives. To separate myself from the problem, or to risk hypocrisy and fight the problem, this is the question I must answer.
I probably won't reach either extreme of course due to my own laziness, and they aren't totally totally opposed, but I need to start planning what I will become. Choosing here is a necessary step. What do you think?
However, now that it's come down to me, it doesn't seem so clear. I've been debating, on a much smaller scale, what path my own life should take ideally. One path leads to zero consumption, zero participation in any systems I do not approve. The other is acknowledging that the gain these systems acquire from only my presence in them is insignificant, and tries to use them to my advantage to fight them. Investing money for instance, to gain enough money to help fund my own initiatives. To separate myself from the problem, or to risk hypocrisy and fight the problem, this is the question I must answer.
I probably won't reach either extreme of course due to my own laziness, and they aren't totally totally opposed, but I need to start planning what I will become. Choosing here is a necessary step. What do you think?
December 29, 2009
Pretending the end of a pop tab is a lip ring kinda hurts.
It turns out maintaining a blog is difficult: thoughts normally come in fragments far too small to make an entry, and deliberately coming up with topics and writing about them seems to defeat the purpose of this blog: writing whatever I'm thinking. Whatever, I guess for now I'll just talk about what would be really cool.
It would be cool if I learned enough practical skills to abandon commercialism and live solely on the abandoned excess of others and what I can fashion with my own hands. A life of zero emissions aside from the CO2 I breathe, a life where work occupies none of my life and I'm free to spend all of my time in learning and creating. I thought of it as an urban hermit, and then realized: I want to be a cool homeless guy. Aren't I awesome?
It would be cool if I had superpowers. Screw super strength and such though, my personal favourites are Super Jumping Power (Think, Quispamsis to Saint John twice over in a single bound. Also, screw flying. Jumping is cooler.), and the ability to store unlimited items in a extradimensional pocket regardless of size or weight, being able to take anything out at any time without the need to search. Allen says the latter is Felix the cat. I'm not familiar with him. Really though, if I ended up getting a chance to choose what superpower I would pick, I would choose the power to heal. The others are just for fun, the power to heal has an actual greater purpose.
It would be cool if all my friends got superpowers and teamed up to fight something. It's especially cool because if you look at it, with my two favoured powers I'd be a healer multiclassed with a dragoon. Also, I've been tempted to take that lord of the rings scene with the "You have my whatever" and edit Ed in saying "You have my skittles". If this happened, I wouldn't need to.
It would be really cool if I changed the world somehow.
It would be cool if I learned enough practical skills to abandon commercialism and live solely on the abandoned excess of others and what I can fashion with my own hands. A life of zero emissions aside from the CO2 I breathe, a life where work occupies none of my life and I'm free to spend all of my time in learning and creating. I thought of it as an urban hermit, and then realized: I want to be a cool homeless guy. Aren't I awesome?
It would be cool if I had superpowers. Screw super strength and such though, my personal favourites are Super Jumping Power (Think, Quispamsis to Saint John twice over in a single bound. Also, screw flying. Jumping is cooler.), and the ability to store unlimited items in a extradimensional pocket regardless of size or weight, being able to take anything out at any time without the need to search. Allen says the latter is Felix the cat. I'm not familiar with him. Really though, if I ended up getting a chance to choose what superpower I would pick, I would choose the power to heal. The others are just for fun, the power to heal has an actual greater purpose.
It would be cool if all my friends got superpowers and teamed up to fight something. It's especially cool because if you look at it, with my two favoured powers I'd be a healer multiclassed with a dragoon. Also, I've been tempted to take that lord of the rings scene with the "You have my whatever" and edit Ed in saying "You have my skittles". If this happened, I wouldn't need to.
It would be really cool if I changed the world somehow.
December 20, 2009
The internet is like, my home
Communities based on shared interest and willing association rather than simple geographic divisions, access to almost infinite information, entertainment for everyone no matter what your tastes, the ability to buy what it is you want directly without corporate middlemen, connecting the world to let people meet and learn about other people and cultures they might never have come in contact with otherwise, and muchmuchmuch more: the Internet is a world that is quickly outgrowing the one it sprung from. And I love it.
One thing that truly stands out about it for me though, is that it is so free. Free in both ways. The Internet is for the most part unregulated, despite many efforts to change that, and due to it's international nature not many laws really apply to it. Which is cool. What's cooler however, is the amount of no-cost, no-obligation stuff available online. This is all stuff that people spend a lot of time working on for no commercial benefit or anything, just the satisfaction that people like it. Whether it's webcomics, translations of media only commercially available in another language, "freeware", help sites, free academic sites like academicearth, information databases like wikipedia, or any number of other things; ad-free, free of charge services are everywhere on the Internet. It's the kind of thing that gives you faith in humanity. A shining example of this was actually a license agreement for a 3d modelling program I downloaded a few days ago called Art of Illusion. It made my day. How often does a license agreement make YOUR day? I'll put up a segment of it here:
Can you honestly tell me that's not awesome?
One thing that truly stands out about it for me though, is that it is so free. Free in both ways. The Internet is for the most part unregulated, despite many efforts to change that, and due to it's international nature not many laws really apply to it. Which is cool. What's cooler however, is the amount of no-cost, no-obligation stuff available online. This is all stuff that people spend a lot of time working on for no commercial benefit or anything, just the satisfaction that people like it. Whether it's webcomics, translations of media only commercially available in another language, "freeware", help sites, free academic sites like academicearth, information databases like wikipedia, or any number of other things; ad-free, free of charge services are everywhere on the Internet. It's the kind of thing that gives you faith in humanity. A shining example of this was actually a license agreement for a 3d modelling program I downloaded a few days ago called Art of Illusion. It made my day. How often does a license agreement make YOUR day? I'll put up a segment of it here:
" GNU GENERAL PUBLIC LICENSE
Version 2, June 1991
Copyright (C) 1989, 1991 Free Software Foundation, Inc.,
51 Franklin Street, Fifth Floor, Boston, MA 02110-1301 USA
Everyone is permitted to copy and distribute verbatim copies
of this license document, but changing it is not allowed.
Preamble
The licenses for most software are designed to take away your
freedom to share and change it. By contrast, the GNU General Public
License is intended to guarantee your freedom to share and change free
software--to make sure the software is free for all its users. This
General Public License applies to most of the Free Software
Foundation's software and to any other program whose authors commit to
using it. (Some other Free Software Foundation software is covered by
the GNU Lesser General Public License instead.) You can apply it to
your programs, too.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not
price. Our General Public Licenses are designed to make sure that you
have the freedom to distribute copies of free software (and charge for
this service if you wish), that you receive source code or can get it
if you want it, that you can change the software or use pieces of it
in new free programs; and that you know you can do these things.
To protect your rights, we need to make restrictions that forbid
anyone to deny you these rights or to ask you to surrender the rights.
These restrictions translate to certain responsibilities for you if you
distribute copies of the software, or if you modify it.
For example, if you distribute copies of such a program, whether
gratis or for a fee, you must give the recipients all the rights that
you have. You must make sure that they, too, receive or can get the
source code. And you must show them these terms so they know their
rights.
We protect your rights with two steps: (1) copyright the software, and
(2) offer you this license which gives you legal permission to copy,
distribute and/or modify the software.
Also, for each author's protection and ours, we want to make certain
that everyone understands that there is no warranty for this free
software. If the software is modified by someone else and passed on, we
want its recipients to know that what they have is not the original, so
that any problems introduced by others will not reflect on the original
authors' reputations.
Finally, any free program is threatened constantly by software
patents. We wish to avoid the danger that redistributors of a free
program will individually obtain patent licenses, in effect making the
program proprietary. To prevent this, we have made it clear that any
patent must be licensed for everyone's free use or not licensed at all.
The precise terms and conditions for copying, distribution and
modification follow."
Can you honestly tell me that's not awesome?
December 17, 2009
Yo
Hey, I don't particularly care if anyone reads this stuff or not, but for anyone that does, if you could leave comments about what you think it would be pretty sweet. It makes it more interesting.
December 13, 2009
So meta, it's almost meta.
So, I tried to write up a blog post a while ago on a bunch of my less developed ideas on the nature of this reality. I made some progress, but then hit a major snag when I came across an idea I just couldn't explain no matter how much I thought about it. Incredibly infuriating. I gave up on it, but I figured I might as well turn trying to write a blog entry into a blog entry, as I kinda lack material.
Anyway, the incorrigible idea came when I was thinking about the elements of system, chaos, and personality. Not perfect words for what I mean I'm sure, but they're what I've got for now. System is just the clockwork of the universe, the laws of physics and the particles that respond to them. 1 + 1 = 2 and such, predetermined with only one correct response. Personality is the quality that allows beings to be unique and place values and meanings on things. Chaos is the possibly nonexistent element of freedom, which without remains only one path from the beginning to the end of the universe: like a film reel. Somehow, I can't help but think personality is dependent on chaos and is simply an illusion when there is no choice ever. I just don't have a clue why I think this is true.
Well there you have it, my story of woe between this here pondering and its mortal foe.
Anyway, the incorrigible idea came when I was thinking about the elements of system, chaos, and personality. Not perfect words for what I mean I'm sure, but they're what I've got for now. System is just the clockwork of the universe, the laws of physics and the particles that respond to them. 1 + 1 = 2 and such, predetermined with only one correct response. Personality is the quality that allows beings to be unique and place values and meanings on things. Chaos is the possibly nonexistent element of freedom, which without remains only one path from the beginning to the end of the universe: like a film reel. Somehow, I can't help but think personality is dependent on chaos and is simply an illusion when there is no choice ever. I just don't have a clue why I think this is true.
Well there you have it, my story of woe between this here pondering and its mortal foe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)