I feel trapped. All of my connections with people seem to become chains. I desire freedom, I ache for it. I hate doing things I don't want to do for things I never cared about. I hate every time my Mom says "Why can't you just act normal?!". I hate how settled we get, how dependent on things and events we get. I want to smash it, to take my computer or something and destroy it just because there's a part of me that is dependent on it. I would, except that I would be about disowned if I did. I hate that I can't get my parents out of my life, and that I'm supposed to love them just because they gave me things and were around me a lot. I hate that I'm not even allowed to opt out of a life I've no real use for any longer. I hate that it's so hard to do anything you haven't done a billion times already in your life without breaking something important.
My body isn't my own, my stuff isn't my own, my life isn't my own, and my personality is apparently broken and should be pasted over. What do I have left? Is there anything left which has not been stolen by other's care for me? I want freedom, freedom to fly, rot, and fail. I want to there to be something I'm allowed to destroy, something that belongs only to me.
I love my friends, I love the world in general. But I wish I were allowed to love from a distance, as solitude is the only freedom I can see.
It's been about 10 months since I relapsed, 7 since things started falling apart, and about 3 or 4 since I started stitching things back together (slowly, yes, but still).
ReplyDeleteI suppose my point is this: even now, sometimes, I get out of bed for other people. And I'd venture a guess and say you probably do, too. Our connection to others is inescapable, whether we want it or not.
It scares me a little, how I relate to some of what you're saying. Your sense of longing, of searching for something truly your own...I relate to that so much.
I think it's dangerous to view our connection to others as a hindrance to living our lives, though. Confession: I'm terrified of the person I would be without people around me, because I'm not entirely sure who she'd be.
There is NOTHING wrong with you. You have a beautiful personality. You are a complete, interesting, colourful, WHOLE person. You are WONDERFUL. I wish you could see what I see, because what I see makes me SO happy. <3 You have NO idea.
ReplyDeleteYou are very special to me, and I love you very much. <3 <3 <3 *big hug*