The need for work

Once I get going, there's plenty of things to work for. It's just hard getting past the initial stupor. Comic is Pictures For Sad Children.

Fucked dream.

Sorry it's been so long since I posted here: it's a mix of having nothing I want to say at a given time and totally forgetting this blog existed. I guess I should give an update on my life right now, but I don't feel like it. Some other time.

Anyway, I had an interesting dream last night and I thought I'd copy Ari and make a blog post of it.

I stumbled across this ancient city place with relics of technology and magic everywhere. Allen was there with me, but he mostly just walked with me. We came upon a black gate eventually, twisted black iron with one of the hinges broken. Outside is a vast manse- green gardens and flowers stretched out into the great estate. For a moment I thought it had to be some magic of the old city, for I could not fathom that something this ancient could be so easily accessible, or that people could have found it and not told the world.

In a moment I heard a noise, and saw two groups of people approaching either side of the gate. They had the appearance of being some sort of religious procession; their clothes were similar to those of Christian leaders. I instinctively knew I didn't want these people to find me- that they would not want news of this place to reach the outside. But if I moved now it would be obvious. I gestured to Allen to follow my lead and became a breathing and blinking doll, hiding in the city's magic.

The groups stopped almost next to me, and briefly discussed the novelty of such a thing, but were too sure of themselves to notice it was an act. They spoke of things not for my ears, obviously secret things that didn't fully make sense to me. The groups then joined and went deeper into the city. One person stayed behind, however, a tortured looking girl who was either curious about the doll or suspicious I wasn't one. She gave me a few kicks and such as if to reassure I wasn't alive, and I acted it perfectly. Convinced, she hits, bites, hugs, talks to me for what seems like hours in ways I know she'd never do if she wasn't alone, but needed to get out. Eventually she speaks of something that's still fuzzy in my head, but makes me stop acting.

I talk to her, erase all her old loyalties and MAKE her my ally. I offer her the change in herself she so badly wants, and symbolizing this I change her very body. Without ever thinking it's strange, I slide my fingers into her body and reshape it: her flesh and bones no more than putty in my hands. I make the contours of her face and body more pronounced, giving her elfin and primal seeming features. In the end she only resembles a human. Then I wake up.

Kinda fucked up, no?

Bank heist

There's a scenario that I've been wondering about for quite some time, and as I was talking about it today I thought I should share it.

What would happen if a bank robber made it very clear that no one in the bank was in any danger, no matter what happened? That is, except for himself. The robber would put a gun to his own head and threaten to shoot if the bank didn't give him the money. Of course, they wouldn't believe him at first. So he shoots himself in the shoulder or something to prove he's serious. Now, do they guard insured company money, or do they value the life of the deranged man in front of them more? Do they just call the police and stall so they don't have to decide? I have no idea what would happen, but I kind of wish I could do it just as a social experiment.

Hello

I've been noticing my hypocrisy at wanting other people to post on their blogs more and not doing it myself. Still, I guess I just don't have much to say. No grand or messed up thoughts to share. Thinking used to be one of my favourite pastimes, but these days it's just a one way path to my clump of doubt and self-hatred. I don't know how to deal with that, so I've been letting it sit for now.

Eventwise, not much has happened. I'm working at Toys R Us, I'm going to try Parkour for the first time tomorrow, and I play games and feel sad because I don't see a lot of my friends outside of my roommates anymore. Also, I quit Christmas and my Mom is insistent on giving me stuff anyway. Possibly the weirdest argument ever.

I Stayed up far too long yesterday talking about a series of videos I plan to make with some friends, so I'm pretty dead right now. Also, my shoes are from hell. I'm getting new ones. Other stuff, mental time limit, talk to you later.

Hot Water Music - Trusty Chords

I just like the song.

Fuck it.

I'm not interested in changing the world. I would if it was easy maybe, or if I thought the journey would be worthwhile, but it's not my taste. I kind of regret never actually reading the material in philosophy, there was one guy I thought I would agree with. But I didn't read it, and there's no sense talking about it with no more real information that what would fit into an essay title. I just respect people's perspectives, and just because I believe what I believe that doesn't mean it's "right": although I'm hardly certain something like that exists. All I can do, all that I WANT to do, is to reflect a world greater than this in myself: to show that there's more to existence than the slice we hide ourselves in. Maybe setting a precedent will help somethin; but most likely it'll just fill my need to be spiteful. But hey, spite has always been the best part of me.

I've hid behind laziness and fear for too long. I will prove exactly what is "Just life", and what we simple stop ourselves from achieving. I have no need to violently change my lifestyle, but from now on I will never do something I don't agree with, never align myself with principles I hate. I never actually read Watchmen, but I think I'd like Rorschach from what I have heard. "No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise."

Geek-ness

I guess it makes sense that the times when I'm in the mood to post on this I'm in a melancholic mood, but I don't feel it gives a truly accurate picture of my personality. So I'm going to try and post more on good days to balance it out.

...Except I can't think of much to say.

Umm. Google Wave, I started using it to better organize writing effort on the book I'm planning to write with David. And It's awesome; it's hard to even categorize what it IS, as it's features are so unique. However, the necessity to learn how to use all this stuff turned most people off of it. When I first heard of it, it was because they were announcing that they were going to stop offering support for it. Kinda sad. But it's still THERE, if you want to check it out. It's primary use is in organization/information sharing with business in mind, but you can use it for a lot more than that- from online roleplaying to a new brand of forum. I predict in ten years or so it'll be back under a different name and everyone will love it.

I went to a therapist today. I wanted to give it another chance, to see if there was anything they could do to help. He told me he couldn't help me, as the last person did. I don't really know what therapy is about or how it helps people, but apparently whatever it operates on I don't have. Just an update.

Tonight I'm in one of those moods where I want to get drunk but wouldn't even if I could because I'd probably end up doing something with a girl I'd regret. It's weird, people make it their life goal to pick up girls and often fail, but I don't even care and it seems there's always at least one girl who's into me when I'm somewhere drinking... Perhaps it is just odd luck. Or my devilish good looks. Hah.

But yeah, mood. Energetic in an odd sort of melancholic way, nights that can be some of the best I'll ever have, or equally bad. An impulsive mood, and combined with drink one that apparently leads to flirting with attractive strangers, to tie it back in to my mini-rant.

Fredericton can't come too soon. Goddamn it, I turned 19 a while ago, and did nothing because no one was in town. I want loud music, good company, and lots of liquor.

Welcome to the NHK

So. I'm going to talk about a manga. The one I named in the title. It's a comedy, I think, but it focuses on a lot of important things. Everyone in the manga is hugely flawed, or minimized by society. The main character is an easily impassioned college dropout who avoids all social contact and lives off of allowance from his parents. Just about everything he could do as a "worthless person" he does throughout the story, all while trying to improve himself. It's a story of everything being fucked up and complicated with each step seeming to only lead deeper into the shithole you know you only have yourself to blame for. It's an awesome story, as bizarre a concoction as it is. I don't really know why I'm talking about it, so I'll just leave it at that. If anyone is interested it's hosted online here: http://www.onemanga.com/NHK_ni_Yokoso/

A maze of things you will be bothered by.

I feel trapped. All of my connections with people seem to become chains. I desire freedom, I ache for it. I hate doing things I don't want to do for things I never cared about. I hate every time my Mom says "Why can't you just act normal?!". I hate how settled we get, how dependent on things and events we get. I want to smash it, to take my computer or something and destroy it just because there's a part of me that is dependent on it. I would, except that I would be about disowned if I did. I hate that I can't get my parents out of my life, and that I'm supposed to love them just because they gave me things and were around me a lot. I hate that I'm not even allowed to opt out of a life I've no real use for any longer. I hate that it's so hard to do anything you haven't done a billion times already in your life without breaking something important.

My body isn't my own, my stuff isn't my own, my life isn't my own, and my personality is apparently broken and should be pasted over. What do I have left? Is there anything left which has not been stolen by other's care for me? I want freedom, freedom to fly, rot, and fail. I want to there to be something I'm allowed to destroy, something that belongs only to me.


I love my friends, I love the world in general. But I wish I were allowed to love from a distance, as solitude is the only freedom I can see.