Empathy, while you might try your hardest, is impossible to achieve fully when you haven't experienced anything like what the other person is feeling. It's sad, and every time someone tells me about something bad they're/they've going/gone through I feel so guilty that my life has been so easy when theirs hasn't, and so ashamed that I reach the limits of what I can do to help so soon just by listening. I abhor each and every time I've had to say "That sucks". And sometimes, it's more than just being unable to help. I... hate emotionally hurting people more than anything else, whenever I stumble in my ignorance it feels so much worse than anything that could happen to me. My fear of death comes only from this.
All my beliefs,everything about me... I wonder if it would have been possible had I lived a less damn sheltered and peaceful life, I can't escape the doubt which wriggles in my mind calling me a hypocrite, saying that the morality I don't believe in and the safety I'd so freely trade away are not the things which are truly petty, but my rebellion which may only be product of a mind which has always been surrounded by safety and morality. I know also that part of me relished in and held onto the pain of my depression, finally there was something which might bring me closer to understanding someone else's pain, and to the end of my self-doubt. I believe my fascination with physical pain stems from the same source.
I don't want to be ignorant and incapable, I want to understand and to help. I seek to understand everything, it hurts that I can't even fully understand something so important as you.
When I saw paper wings, the blackbird song came to mind from the Beatles, in the version done in "Across the Universe." Anyway.
ReplyDeleteEmpathy in itself has benefits and it has it downsides. I have the complete opposite of you; in that, I have too much empathy. I let the feelings of others affect me too much. If someone is having a bad day, well, I almost always have a bad day, because I know personally that someone I know is. It is like a dreadful curse.
I can understand wanting to know what empathy is like and to have strong feelings of caring and knowing. And I understand that, because there's times when I wish to have just one day to know what it would be like to not be so damn empathetic.
Living a sheltered life does have it's downsides, which, this is one of. Because empathy is derived not only from genetics, but the experiences you have personally delved into. When someone tells you of how bad something is to then, it makes the person they are talking to think of something equivalently bad that happened to them in the past. Thus, bringing up memories of what made them feel better to pass along to this person. (I hate talking in third person on two parties, it's completely dreadful.)
That's a good song, but it was actually in reference to the song Paper wings by Rise Against.
ReplyDeleteAs I broaden my life experience, I get better at it. I still feel horribly useless. I personally would gladly take your side of it if it meant I might learn the best way to help from that.
I know what empathy is like, this isn't always an issue. But to actually UNDERSTAND all of what the other person is going through when nothing remotely like what happened to them has happened to me... I don't know how to achieve that.
I don't know what to wish you for your problem, as it seems strange to wish you good luck closing your heart more, but I hope it works out.
Yeah... I don't know how to increase this experience though, seeking out unpleasant things ruins the point really; I can't get empathy from that.
Coming from someone who has had...well, lets just say life has dolled me out some less then unpleasant things, but sometimes that's really all you want to hear. You want someone to listen and someone to say "That sucks." Because it does! If everyone knew what everyone else went though...all you would do is share your sob stories. I'm glad a lot of people can't empathize with some of the stuff I've been through.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, I know what you mean. At one point I was like Jessi, and I empathized too much, but I've learned a fine line and it's really helped me out. I was to be able to help people with their problems, not let their problems become mine.
But even when I don't know exactly what people are going though, everyone loves someone who will listen, even if all you can offer is a "That sucks". Life will hand you more experiences the longer you live it, and you will gain empathy now. But you should take pride in the fact that you do listen. (Not a lot of people are good at it. Tons of my friends call me "their personal psychiatrist" because I do. And offer advice. Even if it's from something you've read that can help)
Sometimes it may be enough, but it's not always. I can tell sometimes that there's something I'm supposed to do to help, to make it better. But, I don't know what. I don't understand their pain, how can I know what they want? And so I default back to "that sucks". I feel so useless when that happens.
ReplyDeleteI listen, and I know that that is something. I can't accept only that much though. I want to be better.