Huh... there's no post yet on my abstinence from sex(and similar things) and relationships... K, let's fix this.
I'll look at sex first. There are a couple exceptions: if I am with someone I love in a lasting way, or I feel like I can help someone by doing it- in more than just a temporary way. However, these exceptions are very unlikely. Now, the why. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with sex with people you don't love or something, I don't even believe in inherent morality. It's not because I don't have the urge to either, my body is actually quite annoying about it (thinking about getting my balls removed or something, it's a fucking nuisance and I'm afraid of making a mistake). The real reasons are pride, fear, and a desire to be trusted.
Pride because I see the shit that happens around sex, "players", disrespect and deceit. Disposable relationships, using someone to get in their pants. Rape. Even people I otherwise respect, when it comes to sex it's a whole 'nother game. Which means I can't be satisfied with just a bit of distance between me and them, I want there to be ZERO chance I could ever be confused with that. A perfectly clean history, having never had sex, at least suggests I've never done any of that shit before, and keeps my pride intact. The only insult I actually react to is "Pervert".
Fear because sex is a wonderful focal point for misunderstanding and miscommunication, and having sex with anyone I don't value romantically runs the risk that they somehow do and that I will hurt them. And goddamnit, I REALLY don't like hurting people.
Wanting to be trusted is the most important point, and is closely linked with my pride reasoning. Because bad shit happens with sex, a lot of people have had bad experiences with it. I don't really know how to help, I NEVER know how to help. But, I want to. And for that to happen, they need to trust me. To know that I AM NOT like whoever they've had bad experiences with, that I AM NOT a GUY, but a PERSON; a FRIEND. Proof that perhaps everyone isn't just pretending, that there are at least exceptions.
I guess that's good for sex.
Relationships are much simpler. Well, in the past I had different reasons. Now, it's because I know love, cannot be with and am unworthy of who I love, and anyone else would be a mere replacement unless I come to love another. In which case I would very likely still be unworthy and unable to be with her. I'm fine with this state of affairs as long as I can be near who I love, friends are about as awesome as lovers, I still have my love for her after all. People have questioned me on this before, but I really don't need to be loved, or liked for that matter. Even if you hate me, if I can be near those I'm fond of, I'm happy. I'm even safe from hurting anyone like that. It does make it hard to help, though.
Hmmm, yeah, I can definitely get your view on sex. For me, it's basically a relativism thing - in order to justify waiting until marriage or whatever in a modern world, I've basically decided to make sex a symbol of when I feel I have "true love." Kinda a way of saying "I want to be with you for the rest of my life."
ReplyDeleteWhich I guess is kinda what it meant before, too.
Haha, I'm the polar opposite in some respects when it comes to relationships here, and very similar in others. I tend to fall for people very easily: but that's because I've fashioned my heart to be vulnerable to the extremity of emotions, good and bad. And I tend to love everyone so naturally that the slightest push can make me "in love," so to speak. This also makes it so that when something happens to eradicate the possibility of that, it's easy for me to go back to thinking of them as a friend: since there wasn't that much difference in the first place.
This also leads, however, to the problem of me crushing on various girls at once, since it's tough for me to rein in my heart. It's the rare girl who's able to make me like them to the exclusion of all others, and for that reason I rarely end up in a relationship.
But because of the nature of relationships and "loving," so to speak, if I had the choice between going out with them and them being happy - if these somehow conflicted - obviously I'd choose their happiness every time.
But I suspect that's a common sentiment when it comes to affairs of the heart.
It's a good symbol, but so is marriage.
ReplyDeleteHey, I'm trying to do that to my "heart"! Cool. The liking multiple girls thing has never been a problem for me, and I couldn't even imagine LOVING more than one girl. I don't have ROOM for that, emotionally. I was amazed I could feel that much with just one.
Dear Mark;
ReplyDeleteYou are a truly extraordinary person.
Feminine perspective; You pretty much pinpointed the key reasons why girls are afraid of guys and why they don't want to have sex with them. Doing this without making the mistake first shows how delightfully insightful you are.
I have a different reason for not being in a relationship. Maybe I'll be cool and tell everyone one day.
But go singles with friends! <3 Ye' ye.
That is considerable praise, thank you.
ReplyDeleteThat definitely would be cool, I'd love to know if you ever feel you want to tell us.
Gotta love us :)
I think that most people don't feel deserving of people they fall in love with. Because with love usually comes respect and admiration. Love makes people feel weird things. XD Thought I'd point that out: you're not odd for feeling that way.
ReplyDeleteIt was really nice to read your explanation for not having sex. Interesting to actually know a reason for it, since you've never really explained it when we've spoken on the subject before. You're not alone in that department, everyone wants to be trusted. I've never known a single person, who if you really got them talking didn't have some sort of fear, insecurity or worry about sex. It's not a worry that's restricted to people who've had bad experiences. There was a study done once, the two things that most couples most hated talking about were sex and money.
ReplyDeleteDon't get your balls removed. They're annoying now, but you will want them one day in the future I am sure.
On the subject of sex, in regards to misunderstandings and miscommunication. The only thing I really have to say about that is that you and that lady need to be safe about it. Talk about it beforehand, as uncomfortable as it may be, and know what kind of boundaries you both have. Take the time to build sexual trust between the two of you by taking it slow. Sex is great, but there's a lot of PG stuff that needs to happen before it, and by taking it slow, showing that you are okay with just doing to the PG stuff, it builds the trust betweent the two of you. The more trust, the less fear.
As far as the stuff on love goes. I really don't know what to say except if I dare ask who the lucky lady is?
In this case, I wish I was more like you, (Although not all the time).
ReplyDeleteSex and physicality do cause a lot of problems, mostly due to peoples issues with a frank discussion of their view towards it. As Meredith said, most people dislike talking about it, and that's not good.
I'm glad you've made up your mind, and I hope you continue to stay firm in whatever deicisions you make throughout life.
Also, never consider someone more worthy than yourself. You have the exact same intrinsic value as any other human being on the planet. Devaluing yourself doesn't help anyone. Never be cocky, but never put yourself down.
Ariel: I know, Thank you, but being odd really isn't something I worry about.
ReplyDeleteMeredith: Interesting points, though I doubt you're right about wanting my balls later. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
I actually told you already in a way, it's Jessi. I have decided to try and let go of it now, but she means a lot to me.
Fin: Yeah, you seemed to have picked up the short end of the stick with stuff like this a fair amount. I hope your luck improves, anyway. And thanks, I'll try to.
Maybe, but I perceive myself as lacking qualities which are well suited for making a partner happy. Considering happiness of who I love is what I want most in the world, that makes me poorly suited to be their partner compared to someone else.